Q: My 8-year-old’s room is a mess. Shouldn’t she be able to keep it clean?

Childcare expert Emma Jenner answers …
Your daughter can certainly be expected to make her bed, pick up her toys, clothes and even help with dusting and vacuuming. However, she will need assistance.  At first you will need to clean her room with her, and eventually she will clean it all on her own. She will need lots of practice and guidance and you will need lots of patience.

Here are a few tips that should help you both:

• Communicate your expectations. Be very clear what you need her to take care of.

• Walk her through it. Tell her and show her how to clean her room. Do this until she understands what is expected and can do it independently. Make this a positive experience.
• Make big tasks into smaller tasks. A messy room can be overwhelming, but if you do one thing at a time it makes it simple. First, pick up all the clothes, then all the markers, etc.
• Have containers and a home where everything goes. A hamper for dirty clothes, a bookshelf for books, a plastic container for doll clothes, etc. You can even label the containers.

• Teach your daughter pick up as she goes. Get her into the habit of picking up whatever it is when she is done with it.
• Chores before play. Motivate your daughter by having her do her chores before she enjoys any free time. She can do nothing else until her room gets clean.
• Have a consistent routine:

Mornings - make the bed.
After dinner- pick up toys.
Weekends - help with vacuuming and dusting.

• Focus on the good. Saying “Thank you for picking up your clothes. You made your bed so nicely,” will make her feel good and encourage her to do more.  Try to focus on what she did instead of what still needs to be done.

Remember, she is not going to do things the way you do. The important thing is to build her responsibilities and independence. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Resist the urge to re-do what she did. This will discourage her.

If she didn't finish the job, just tell her she’s almost done and explain what still needs to be done. “Your room is looking much better. You did a great job picking up your clothes and markers, now you just need to pick up your brushes and hair ties.”

• Last, but certainly not least, enforce the rule! Your child will test you. You must mean what you say and make sure there is no free time until chores are done. Be consistent with this. You must resist the urge to give in and clean her room for her. When her room is a disaster close her door.

The consequence needs to affect your child, not you. This is key! If cleaning her room takes forever, she loses free time. Eventually she will get bored and get it done.

Emma Jenner (www.emmaschildren.com) is the child sleep, behavior and parenting expert from “Take Home Nanny” on TLC, and founder of Emma’s Children. Emma is now offering a “Gr8 Kids, Gr8 Parents” online membership.