You’re sick.  There, I said it – now get over it.   You have a chemical imbalance, with personality tendencies beyond normal parameters.  You also have subluxation of the spine, causing adverse affects to your nervous functionality.  Your astigmatism and insecurities are manifesting themselves negatively, as is the recession of your anterior mandible.  Toxicity levels are also unnaturally high, with potential for Toxin buildup throughout your body; this is affecting your levels of anemia.  The inflammation of your right rotator is causing seismic activity within the sub dermal area.  You have chronic Social Anxiety Disorder, and mild Bi-Polarity Syndrome.  Oh, and you also suffer from occasional bouts of halitosis.


You’re a mess.


Here’s the good news:  All the nonsense spewed into that first paragraph applies to roughly 80% of the population.  In fact, 100% of the population experiences at least one of the ailments I described – even the made-up ones.  Each of us have quirks; we all have mood swings, we all get back pain, we all get cavities, we all could stand to lose ten pounds, and we all need to drink more water and less Diet Coke.  Oh, and we all need to floss more.  Normal?  Normal is Us.  We are NORMAL.

But why are we (and our kids) constantly diagnosed with pages and pages of urgent, frightening issues?  Two words:  Entrepreneurial Science.

Contrary to the Hippocratic or Hippocratic-esque oath that your Therapist, Yoga Teacher, Chiropractor, Physical Therapist, Personal Trainer, Pilates Instructor, Optometrist, Dentist, Nutritionist, and Life Coach each took, their job is to put food on their table.  That means finding out what’s wrong with you and keeping you coming back for the fix.  Again and again.

Although I could dedicate an entire column to the hamstrung incompetence of hospital and general practice physicians, I’m giving those guys (and gals) a break this time.  Hospitals and GP’s are the warranty repair shops of the medical world:  They’re called upon only after something clearly broke; and their job is to diagnose it, fix it, and get you out the door.  Like car dealership technicians, they aren’t perfect, but usually they just want to correct the problem and move on to the next broken customer without getting sued.  I can respect that.

No I’m talking about the Jiffy Lube of health practitioners.  You know how Jiffy Lube puts a sticker on your windshield reminding you to get your oil changed precisely 3,000 miles after you just had it done?  Ever wonder how they came up with that number?  Not from the guys who actually make the cars.  The average manufacturer’s recommended oil change interval is 7,800 miles, with many at 15,000 and some as high as 20,000 between changes.  Tune ups?  Most new cars don’t need one for the first 100,000 miles.  Do you remember when they brought out your air filter and showed you how dirty it is?  Even if you visit them every 3,000 miles, they will ‘recommend’ an air filter change every time. 

Why?  The same reason that your waitress spent five minutes reviewing every margarita variation before taking your lunch order.  Profit margin, Kids.

To be clear, the auto manufacturers have to write a check and pay for any repair should the oil-change interval they recommend damage your car.  And with 100,000-mile warranties commonplace, why wouldn’t they recommend exactly what your car needs?

Same goes for your body.  When I was fifteen, a dentist told me my gums were receding so badly that teeth could come out from biting into an apple.  Scary.  Fortunately for my love of apples, he had a solution: a quick and (almost) painless surgery that would cut an area from the roof of my mouth and graft it onto my retreating gums.  The cost?  A mere $5,000.00 that my mom would gladly fork out – after all, what mother wants a teenage son with dentures?  Well, after putting-off the procedure (I’ll admit I was a wimp), we decided to ride it out, to see if things got worse.  26 years and ten zillion apples later, my gums are just fine, thank you.  My current dentist doesn’t even consider it an issue; in fact he’s never mentioned it.  ‘Course he does stalk me like a serial killer every six months for that checkup.  Six months?  So I couldn’t possibly see the dentist for a cleaning and checkup every 12 months?  Unacceptable in the field of Entrepreneurial Sciences – my dentist has bills to pay after all.


What about your Toxins?  According to every Nutritionist, Personal Trainer, Spiritual Advisor, and Yogi Master, if you’ve eaten anything in the last week that wasn’t picked-up at Trader Joe’s or grown in your back yard, you’re chock full of them.  Nasty little buggers, Toxins.  Insidious things that sneak into your body undetected and cause all kinds of trouble.  Headache?  Toxins.  Depressed?  Toxins.  Caught a cold?  Yep, Toxins have struck again.  Know anybody that was diagnosed with cancer?  That’s the result of too many Toxins in their system.  Toxins are the Ninja of Holistic Medicine: silent, invisible, and deadly.  Fortunately they have a cure – and that usually involves buying and doing whatever that particular practitioner (Entrepreneurial Scientist) tells you to.  If a Colonic Therapist tells you that you’ve got toxins, the cure is a Colonic.  If a Chiropractor tells you, then you require frequent adjustments to open-up the nerve functionality… and release toxins.  A Bikram Yoga teacher will release your toxins through sweating.  A Massage Therapist, through a deep-tissue massage.  And, coincidentally, each of the above procedures will cost you some money – but isn’t that a small price to pay when compared to eradicating deadly Toxins from your body?

That’s the ‘Entrepreneurial’ part.

Best part about Toxins?  They are a completely nebulous and indefinable ailment; an all-purpose disease without a specified diagnosis – therefore any cure can apply to them.  Like ‘The Force’, Toxins can’t be seen, only felt.  That’s why we need experts to help point them out to us.  The word “Toxin” literally means “Poison”, and nothing more specific.  According to Entrepreneurial Sciences, all FDA-approved processed food is apparently toxic.  Scented hair products are toxic.  Deodorant is toxic.  Tap water is toxic.  And don’t even get them started on Diet Coke.

In reality, everything on earth is toxic in the wrong quantities!  Saltwater, even though 70% of your body is made from the stuff, is toxic.  Oxygen is toxic.  Even sunlight can be toxic.  The generality of the term ensures that since anything can cause it, anything can remove it – you just need to do exactly what you’re told by your trusted Holistic Professional.  Considering how earthy and anti-capitalist most appear, it’s shocking how aggressively capitalistic those in the Entrepreneurial Sciences tend to be.  Next time you’re in the Vitamin Shoppe or Whole Foods, checkout the sheer volume of industrious, enterprising capitalists peddling their solutions to your Toxin problem.  Then take a look at the back pages of Yoga Journal Magazine sometime – physical and spiritual wellness is a highly profitable endeavor.

At the other end of the spectrum lies your PhD Shrink with his cache of psychotropic drugs.  Much has already been written on the subject of overmedicating kids with Ritalin, Zoloft, and miscellaneous stimulants; but anyone with friends in the pharmaceutical industry knows how scary that relationship really is.  Not unlike the relationship between lobbyists and their politician clients, pharma reps’ job is to sell their product – and the patient isn’t the customer, the doctor is.  Big Pharma develops a drug; then determines (often creates) the ailment that it corrects.  The Reps woo their doctor clients and convince them to prescribe it.  Entrepreneurial Sciences at work.

This isn’t an accusation against psychiatrists; the vast majority only want to help their patients.  But don’t politicians ultimately want what’s best for their constituents too?  That doesn’t mean lobbyists don’t have influence over them.

That's one reason why the acronym-loving mental health industry seemingly sprouts new diseases with impressive frequency.  These include, but are not limited to: ADD, ADHD, ASD, BD, BP, BPD, CMI, ED, GAD, LD, OCD, ODD, PDD, PTSD, SAD, SED, SPMI, and TD.  There are enough disorders recognized by the National Alliances on Mental Illness that every single one of us could be diagnosed with something.   Have you ever seen some of the tests for these things?  Absolutely frightening – they include questions like, “Have you ever felt depressed?”  “Do you ever feel nervous?”  And bombshells like, “Do you ever have trouble concentrating?”

Really?  I have trouble concentrating during any movie starring Keanu Reeves.  His blank expression makes me sleepy, and the fact that he resembles a mannequin makes me uncomfortable and nervous.  Clearly I need psychotropic drugs.  And every time Justin Bieber is mentioned on TV, I develop acute depression, losing all hope for the future of mankind.  In fact I think he may actually be the Antichrist.  I'll bet there’s a mental disorder that fits me like a glove – and a drug that goes right along with it.

It takes a really gifted Actor to make a Blank Stare so convincing.

Everybody has issues.  Everybody has baggage.  We all wish we were younger, taller, thinner, and better looking.  We all get nervous, depressed, and occasionally manic.  That’s not a disease; it’s called being human.

So enjoy your mental disorder, your physical imperfections, and give those Toxins of yours a great big hug.  We’re all fellow patients here in the great big psychiatric ward called Life.  As for me - I’m gonna go and get a Diet Coke, even if it does kill me.



Thanks for listening,

-CC


Chris Clovis lives in the ‘Entreprenurial Sciences’ Capital of the World: Los Angeles, CA, where he actually is a Certified Personal Trainer and Ashtanga Yoga Instructor, believe it or not.  He also flosses regularly, but doesn't judge you.


After more than two decades spent training business consultants, managing dealership and B2B sales operations, as well as the realms of marketing and strategic planning - Chris Clovis now focuses primarily on the development of People; building methods and strategies to help them become the best at what they do.  Chris believes that by helping others tackle challenges in new and unique ways, their lives can be changed forever.  Chris manages to be an insufferable motor head, an extreme technophile, and a devoted Husband and Father.  He lives in Los Angeles with his family.  Visit www.chrisclovis.com for more information.

Follow Chris on Twitter
View Chris' LinkedIn Profile