Parenting teens can be like navigating uncharted waters. As our children grow, so must our approach to communicating with them. The key to having open conversations about sensitive topics lies in building a strong, trusting relationship with your teen.
As parents, we often inherit and replicate our parents’ parenting styles, sometimes forgetting that times and societal norms have changed. It is critical that we adapt our approach and grow with our children. (In retrospect, having grown up in an Asian family with authoritarian parents, I experienced a steep learning curve.)
Understanding your teen’s developmental psychology is crucial for engaging in open discussions. Topics such as social circles, mental health, sex and sexuality, addiction, violence and future aspirations can be particularly challenging to address. You may notice sudden changes in your teen’s behavior, shifting from a sweet child to a rebellious adolescent. This transformation can create tension within the family, but understanding their perspective can help.
Understanding your teen
Here are some key points to consider when trying to understand your teen’s perspective.
Puberty and body changes: Teens experience rapid physical changes that can make them feel overwhelmed, awkward, insecure, and have wide mood swings.
Privacy: Teens guard their privacy fiercely. They might lock their bedroom doors or even put up “Do Not Disturb” signs.
Independence: They crave independence and may become irritated by what they see as nagging over trivial matters.
Peer relationships: Teens often prioritize spending time with friends over family, sharing secrets and stories with peers.
Questioning authority: Expect more frequent arguments and skepticism about adults’ opinions. They may even fact-check what you say using Google.
I admit I struggled with these issues during my kids’ early teen years, leading to conflicts and strained relationships. Once I acknowledged their need for independence, privacy and peer relations, the tension eased, and our conversations improved.
Strategies for parents of teens
So, how can we create an environment that encourages open, honest conversations? Here are some strategies I have learned through my journey as a parent and clinician. I also understand that every family faces unique challenges; you may adjust each approach to fit your circumstances.
Mind your tone: Our voice carries more than just words. Strive for a friendly, respectful tone rather than an authoritarian, demanding, and harsh voice. This simple shift can make your teen more receptive to what you are saying and pave the way for more serious conversations.
Quality time matters: Despite busy schedules, make time to engage in activities your teenagers enjoy. Whether it is watching their favorite show or attempting to play their preferred sport (even if you are terrible at it!). These shared experiences build connections and open doors for deeper conversations. My husband and I worked full-time while our kids were growing up, but we made efforts to spend quality time with them. We joined them in activities they enjoyed, like playing tennis or watching anime. The more time we spent together, the better we understood their lives and the friends they hung out with.
Use real-life examples: Current events, age-appropriate books, TV shows, or local incidents can serve as excellent conversation starters, such as gang violence, teen pregnancy, youth runaways or suicide, etc. Ask for their thoughts instead of lecturing, giving warnings, or setting rules immediately. “What do you think about this situation?” “How might someone avoid this?” This approach allows you to understand their perspective, making them feel heard and understood. You can gently lead them with your wisdom and love without hard preaching.
Address mental health: It is okay, even crucial, to ask about your teen’s mental well-being. Adolescents’ brains are still developing and are vulnerable to mental health issues. If you notice changes in their behavior, eating, or sleeping patterns, it is okay to ask if something bothers them or whether they are on drugs. Sometimes, professional help is necessary. Consult with your primary physician or check out online resources:
SAMHSA National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357). This confidential service operates 24/7 and provides information and referrals for mental health and substance use issues. https://www.samhsa.gov/
NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264). This peer-support service offers information, resource referrals, and community support for those with mental health conditions. https://www.nami.org/support-education/nami-helpline/
Remember, conversations with your teens are not about winning debates. They are about understanding, guiding, and supporting your teens as they navigate this complex world. It is normal for their ideas to differ from yours. Instead of dismissing these differences, use them as opportunities for thoughtful discussion.
Patience is key. Some days, your teen might not be ready to open, and that is alright. Keep the door open, show consistent love and respect, and they will come to you when they are ready.
Lastly, do not forget to take care of yourself. Parenting teens can be challenging, and it is okay to seek support.
Dr. Eichin Chang-Lim is the author of the “Talking About Adolescence” book series for teens. For more information, visit EichinChangLim.com.
