When the News is Frightening: How You Can Talk to Your Kids

As parents, we are our child’s first line of defense. No matter their age, a child’s physical and emotional well-being is almost always top of mind, and we go to great lengths to ensure our kids feel safe, happy and confident.

The trouble is, we live in a world that doesn’t always feel safe, or particularly happy, and there is only so much we can shield our youth from. News of school shootings near and far, wars abroad, divisive political policies in our own country and so much more bring parents back to that oft-thought rhetorical question: What kind of world are we raising our children in?

As adults, many of us can navigate away from despair. It’s not that we ignore the news; it’s that we know how to keep paddling in spite of it. We overcome our stress, anxiety, fear and anger in ways that work for us — from conversations with family and friends to taking action, whether that be fighting for change through protest or joining community efforts aimed at a common cause. We might turn off the radio or close a distressing news site for a bit in the name of emotional self-preservation.

But what can we do when our children — who are not yet as experienced in recognizing their emotions or setting boundaries for themselves — are impacted by terrible news? What can we say when they’ve heard the latest headline and tell us they feel scared?

It’s a challenge that parents, teachers and caregivers are increasingly facing. Here’s how a few experts in the field suggest guiding young people through the turbulent waters of the news cycle.

Tip 1: Reflect on your ‘why’

Brando Menjivar is a senior pediatric behavioral health coach with Brightline, a company that provides nationwide virtual coaching and therapy for children, teens and their caregivers. When it comes to discussing difficult global, national or local events with children, Menjivar suggests adults reflect on why they feel propelled to have a particular conversation. There is no right or wrong answer, but pausing to contemplate your motive can be wise.

Are you bringing up this weekend’s news because you want to educate your child, or because the event fires you up politically, socially or environmentally? Does the event relate to your family personally? Does it feel helpful for your child to know about it?

“For example, as a Latino parent, I may not choose to speak to my kids about the war in the Middle East,” Menjivar says. “However, a father or a mother of Jewish or Palestinian descent might be like, ‘No, I’m going to tell my kids about this.’”

Tip 2: Consider your child’s age and stage

Very young children are not yet able to process troubling events, so many parents simply steer clear of news stories beyond their comprehension. But as kids grow older, they are more likely to overhear a news story or to gather enough information to start a conversation.

“If a child or teen is bringing [an event] up, the first thing to do is acknowledge and validate their experience,” Menjivar says. “Acknowledge that bad things sometimes do happen, and then immediately check in.”

Checking in means tuning into their feelings. Ask them how they feel, so that you as a caregiver can determine where to go from there. “A concept that I talk to parents about is ‘trickling the truth,’” Menjivar says. “Think about a faucet — you don’t want to pour it all out on them.”

Decide what you might share with them after you’ve considered your child’s age, psychological makeup, developmental stage, temperament and maturity level. Psychologist Jean Piaget’s four stages of cognitive development are helpful here. Kids 0 to 2 are in the “sensorimotor” phase, exploring the world through taste and touch and so on. From ages 2 to 7, kids are “preoperational,” engaging in imaginary play and using symbols for words and ideas. Reassurance is a helpful tool in this stage, and parents can use simple phrases when talking about the news.

“That would be something like, ‘Sometimes bad things happen in the world, but our family is together and we’re safe,’” Menjivar says.

Kids ages 7 to 11 are in Piaget’s “concrete operational” stage. They are growing less and less focused on themselves, and they recognize that their thoughts are their own. And because they are starting to think more logically, your conversations might now include a few related (and logical) details, according to Menjivar. “Now you can say something like, ‘Someone tried to assassinate Donald Trump this weekend, but we are safe, and the police are handling the situation and taking care of it. Do you want to go play Uno?’”

From age 12 and up, kids (and adults) are in Piaget’s “formal operational” stage. Here, we can theorize and think systematically and ponder abstract ideas such as justice and love. Caregivers can now have more open and in-depth conversations with teens, asking questions such as, “What are you thinking?” and “How are you feeling?”

Tip 3: Affirm your child’s feelings and brainstorm coping strategies

Sasha Hawkes, a marriage and family therapist in L.A., says that affirming a child’s feelings has a big impact on not only the child, but on the child-caregiver relationship. By being sympathetic, warm and accepting when a child tells us how they feel, we increase the likelihood that they will continue to talk to us.

“For me, it always goes back to: ‘How do we keep an open, ongoing dialogue with our kids, no matter how old they are?’” Hawkes says. “And especially as they enter the teen years, which is when they tend to kind of shut down.”

Making it abundantly clear that your child can tell you about any feeling — and that you will listen and accept and support them in that moment — builds sturdy bridges to future communication.

Ivy Liu, a school counselor in Culver City Unified School District, often speaks with children when they’re feeling fearful, anxious or overwhelmed. She validates students’ feelings (adults can say something such as, “I understand why you feel that way”), reassures the child that her door is always open and might even venture into helping that child discover coping strategies. Keeping a child in a predictable routine is valuable, Liu says, as are activities such as journaling or drawing, which tend to help the mind settle.

“And as parents, you can reassure them that they are not alone in this, and that feelings can go up and down,” Liu says. “You might feel fine one day and completely anxious free, then at another point in time, you might feel super anxious.”

Coping strategies Liu has helped kids use include body meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation. Participants tighten sections of the body (face, shoulders, hands, etc.) one by one for 5 to 10 seconds, then release. Breathing meditations are great for kids, too.

“There is science behind the fact that deep breathing helps ease those anxieties and helps us be more present in the moment,” Liu says. Mindfulness apps and even YouTube videos are easy to find and start incorporating into your daily routines.

Activism might be a strategy for some children, too, but caregivers will want to make sure the activism activities are developmentally appropriate. If a child wants to impact a specific policy, they might write letters to local board members or politicians. Attending community events in support of a specific issue, or supporting small businesses owned by a group that is feeling marginalized can feel tangible and powerful to a child. And if a friend is feeling directly impacted by an event, just being there for them — playing with them and checking in on them — is a way children can help, too.

Tip 4: Set boundaries — and set an example

As our lives become more and more inundated with technology, it becomes increasingly critical that adults set boundaries for children — and boundaries for ourselves, too.

“Your child’s brain is still developing, and what you tell a 25-year-old cannot be the same thing you tell an 8-year-old. They’re not going to process the information the same way,” Menjivar says. “Kids are impressionable, and they don’t have the cognitive and emotional bandwidth of an adult.”

To that end, we must be mindful of what we say in front of children, what we allow them to watch on television and what we allow them to consume on other devices. Families looking for guidance on setting boundaries around media might look to the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), which offers a free and comprehensive Family Media Plan module in English and Spanish online.

“And then, my biggest advice for parents is: When you don’t know what to do, think about modeling the behavior you want your child to do,” Menjivar says. “You lead the way because it’s impossible as a caregiver to ask our child to do something positive, when what we’re doing is negative.”

Think about this in terms of screen time limits: If you want your teen to have no more than one hour of screen time a day, that will be hard to enforce if they see you scrolling on your phone every evening for two hours.

We should also be mindful of how we respond to upsetting news when our children are present. “When we are experiencing tragic news, how do I respond? Does it ruin my day? Am I anxious and panicky around the house? Think about how you respond yourself, and how you can help your child respond as well,” Menjivar says.

When parents feel overwhelmed, there are resources to help mitigate the pressure. Connect with your child’s school counselor and/or learn what type of counseling or coaching your family can access at no to low cost.

Just like children, parents are not in this alone.

Chelsee Lowe is a travel and food writer, mom of two and frequent contributor to L.A. Parent.