With the holidays and a presidential election on the horizon, this can be a season of emotional highs and lows not just for kids, but for parents as well. Here are some tools that may help you and your family ride out strong emotions. These tools can be used individually or in combination.
Tip 1: Talk about feelings together
For kids and parents alike, the act of naming our feelings can bring relief in and of itself. This is much easier said than done, though, so don’t beat yourself up if you have a hard time with this. In fact, it can be validating for your child or teen to see that even adults struggle with emotions sometimes. It’s not as important to find the “right” feeling word as it is to engage in the process of observing how you’re feeling. If you’d like to expand your emotional vocabulary, though, the feelings wheel is a user-friendly tool that you can bookmark and even reference in the middle of a conversation. Remember that the goal of talking about feelings is to observe and understand what is going on, so avoid judging yours or anyone else’s emotions.
Tip 2: Take a 5 minute break (or two)
When our emotions get intense, it’s hard to control our behavior, and this is amplified in the context of interactions with others. It can really help to take a break to reset. Some things that might help include deep breathing, getting some fresh air, washing your face with cool water, or cuddling with the family pet. I’m suggesting a 5 minute break, but it could be a bit shorter or a bit longer. Anything that disrupts the cascade of intense emotions will help you regain your ability to think more clearly. Children and teens might benefit from having a prop to indicate when they need a break, like a flag or even just a word like, “Pause!” The goal here is not to make the emotion go away, but to pause discussion or problem solving until everyone can regain composure. Take as many breaks as needed.
Tip 3: Encourage creative expression
Emotions are designed to drive us to act a certain way. For instance, fear alerts us of an impending threat so that we can face it or flee. Uncomfortable emotions, like anger, guilt and shame, can evoke impulses that can be destructive if not channeled into something less harmful (road rage, anyone?) This is when tools to express our feelings creatively can release built up energy so that we can engage more productively with other people. You don’t need to consider yourself “creative” to use creativity. Creative expression can be as simple as scribbling on a blank piece of paper, making balls with Play-Doh or journaling. Engaging in creative expression together as a family can also be a way to co-regulate emotion and connect.
Tip 4: Keep your values front and center
Sometimes, even despite our best efforts, big emotions take over and we end up saying or doing things we wish we hadn’t. I hope you hear me when I say this happens to all of us. We may fall into excessive self-criticism, guilt or shame, and if we get stuck in those emotions, it’s harder to do better next time. In my personal and professional experience, values can be an anchor when nothing seems to be going right. Start by identifying what matters most to you and to your family. Is it compassion, responsibility or playfulness? Maybe it’s togetherness, trust, or honesty. There are many resources available online to help individuals and families identify values, and these values cards are one of my favorites. Once you identify your values, you can consider how they might guide your actions. For example, let’s say you identify “compassion” as a core value, you could then ask yourself and each other, “What would it look like to act according to compassion at this moment?” Another way of approaching this would be, “What’s the most compassionate thing we can do right now?” Values, unlike goals, are aspirational and impact how we do things, no matter where we are at any given moment.
Emotions can be messy and unwieldy, but they can also remind us of what we care about the most. When we approach our emotions from a place of curiosity, we open ourselves up to deeper connection and growth. Feel free to adapt any of these tools to best suit your unique family, and don’t be afraid to experiment to see what fits and what doesn’t.
Natasha Thapar-Olmos, Ph.D. is a Los Angeles-based mom, clinical psychologist and tenured professor at Pepperdine University with expertise in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). For more information visit www.dr-natasha.com.