A million questions run through your head when you become a father – most of them driven by panic because you and your partner are now responsible for another person. Yikes.
But as things settle down and life takes on more meaning as you realize that you’re a parent, you start looking ahead.
You wonder what type of person your son or daughter will be, and you worry about their safety. You wonder what type of personality they’ll have, and what the world will look like as they grow.
Those are the big questions, and the answers to them will take shape in the years ahead. So, you take a breath and ponder more immediate concerns: Will she be a good student? Will he like to read? Will she play sports? Will he like the same type of movies as I do? Will she love ice cream – as all Epsteins do?
The questions keep coming, but that’s OK. That’s your job as a dad – to stay one step ahead of your children and keep them out of harm’s way. Keep them learning and laughing. Celebrate their accomplishments and don’t let them be afraid of failure. Your job is a work in progress. You may not know the results until your child is an adult, but along the way you’ll laugh and cry with them, console and counsel and remind them every day that you love them.
Read on for the wisdom and fun that 11 of my fellow L.A.-based dads hope to impart to their children. We come from different places, but have the same heart for our kids.
One day, when your kids are young adults, as mine are, I hope you can look at them and feel the same overflowing pride in them as I do in mine, and realize that Father Day’s isn’t a one-day thing. It’s a lifetime accomplishment.
– Ron Epstein, Publisher of L.A. Parent
Hugging and learning
Andre Gaines is a film and television producer whose credits include Spike Lee’s “Da Sweet Blood of Jesus,” “Ladder to Damascus,” Oscar- nominee “Embrace the Serpent” and SXSW winner “Bill Nye: Science Guy” on Netflix. He’s the father of two sons.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
I hope my kids inherit a strong sense of pride – in themselves, their abilities, their personalities and, ultimately, in who they are and where they come from. I also hope they inherit tenacity and the willingness and fortitude to never give up and to always reach for their goals, while never being afraid to ask for help.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your kids?
They’re incredibly funny and entertaining! My 6-year-old, Julian, has always been witty and clever, but being at home with him so much, he has said some downright hilarious things to both me and my wife. My 9-month-old, Wesley, is just loving life! He doesn’t know how cute and funny he is, but that just adds to the charm. Spending so much time together has been a wonderful opportunity, and nothing is more exciting than watching your kids grow.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
Playing with my kids! Especially with boys. Growing up, my dad was very much like one of our buddies, and still is to this day. My brother and I have a very close relationship with both of our parents. We’ve always been very protective of our mom, but my dad was always there to goof around with. Of course, we had boundaries, and we did a lot of “hugging and learning” as they say, but I always looked forward to the day I could be the same type of dad to my sons as my father has been to me.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
I wish society gave more credit to dads showing tenderness with their kids. I’m very affectionate with my sons, something I learned especially from my mother, and ultimately from my wife. I never want to be so hard on my sons as to not hug them when they’re hurt or comfort them when they’re scared. Yes, I teach my 6-year-old how to “breathe” through the pain if he injures himself, but I know a lot of fathers out there (most of my friends, in fact) who show their kids genuine love and affection all the time, but rarely get acknowledged for it.
A messy work of art
Antonio Sacre’s tales of growing up bilingually in a Cuban and Irish American household have inspired children worldwide to gather their own family stories and become storytellers themselves. His stories have been published in award-winning books and audio recordings. His professional development and keynote addresses have helped educators teach writing to students from pre-kindergarten through graduate school. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, two children and two cats.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
Last year, my wife instituted a gratitude practice in our family at dinner, and at least a few times a week, she tells me all of the amazing things, big and small, I do for our family. I’m also a performer by nature who craves attention, so if there is anything she missed, I make sure to subtly nudge her. Just last night, I said, “Wasn’t it a model in perfect parenting how I handled the meltdown at bedtime?” As far as getting credit from society for being a dad, there’s the whole income tax kid credit, so that’s good. And Father’s Day is pretty cool. There is one thing that gets me down, though. Some time back, my 7-year-old daughter saw a man wearing a T-shirt that said, ”#1 Dad.” She looked at him with big eyes, then looked at me, and said, ”Dad! I guess you didn’t win this year.”
But really, as an artist, the types of work I produce are different than before I had children, and I’m definitely not as prolific as I was before my children came. The act of being a dad is much more creative, taxing, challenging and maddeningly volatile than I ever imagined. I feel like it’s a work of art messy in the making with no real completion date, yet often incredibly satisfying and engaging. And on the days when it’s not, there’s wine.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
I have a resilience that has served me incredibly well as an artist, mainly from being the son of a Cuban immigrant. My dad’s journey and fortitude is in the fiber of my being, and it is something that has served me as I’ve been able to pursue the life of a writer and artist. The numbers of rejections of all my books, bad reviews, harsh directors and bad breaks I have endured have made me quite unflappable. Plus, nothing I face is as bad as what my family faced when they came here, so I just look for new ways of solving old problems.
I feel like I have hard-earned grit that allows me to continue to seek out ways to tell my stories in whatever medium suits the story. I’ve also faced some things personally that I wouldn’t want anyone to face, including the brutal and acrimonious divorce of my parents that scarred our family for years. I hope my children can absorb my resilience without having any bad experiences at all, and I know that’s not how it works.
I hope they don’t inherit my perfectionism. The flip side of being resilient is not knowing when to quit, not knowing how to relax, not knowing when to let other people carry the load or even help me reach my goals. I want them to be more flexible than I am, more able to collaborate and have more fun in their pursuits, whatever they choose.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your kids?
I’ve learned a capacity for patience I didn’t know I possessed. I also have learned how insanely impatient I can be. I’ve learned coping skills, deep breathing, walking away and where to find the help I need, from places like L.A. Parent magazine, moms and dads on social media letting me know I’m not alone, and some pretty incredible parenting coaches. As a couple, we have been massively impacted by Dr. Laura Markham’s peaceful parenting work, her website and her books. I, for sure, have learned how inquisitive my children are, and have been learning how to shut down my computer and my phone and just be with them. I’ve also learned how lucky I am to have a partner in this. My mom was a single mom, and I know tons of moms and dads raising children on their own, and my respect for what my mom did and what they are doing is boundless.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
I love roughhousing with my children so much. I’ll spend 5 or 10 minutes each morning getting pounded by pillows and getting literally kicked in the butt or worse, and we’ll laugh so hard together we can’t stand it. Also, because my wife is an English literature teacher and I’m a writer, our children are voracious readers. We read with them every night, and discovering old classics or new ones with them is a delight. My son owns every single “Calvin and Hobbes” strip, and I got to rediscover them as he discovered them for the first time. What’s also intriguing and wistful at the same time is seeing the people they already are, almost from the day they were born, and feeling deep in my bones that I’m just a caretaker, trying to allow their own spirits to flourish, with no real power to do anything but wonder and watch. And when our perfect little cherubs misbehave, I can say, with tongue in cheek and the risk of sleeping on the proverbial couch, “Well, Honey, our kids got that from your side of the family.”
Passing along optimism
Born and raised in Italy, Davide Zanella started traveling and living abroad at a young age, seeking business opportunities. He specializes in hospitality, luxury, real estate and business consulting. He is the father of one son and one daughter.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
Did – My optimistic mindset and always finding a solution to any adversity in life, to never give up.
Didn’t – My upcoming baldness.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your kids?
I’m more appreciative of my wife, since she spends more time with the kids. Now I know it’s definitely not an easy job. I’m blessed to build a stronger bond with my little ones by spending more quality time with them.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
The unconditional love that you receive from them.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
I’m actually blessed to have a wife who gives me more credit than I deserve and makes me feel always appreciated, knowing that I try my best to be the best dad.
Setting an example
Donald Hayes is a musician, arranger, orchestrator, artist and feature film/television composer who has worked with artists including Beyoncé, Janelle Monae, Robin Thicke, the Temptations, Jessica Simpson, Justin Timberlake, Jamie Foxx and Stevie Wonder. He is the father of two daughters.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
I am an independent artist and composer for film and TV. Being independent with a family takes a lot of hard work, courage and faith in God and yourself. I hope my girls learn from me that they don’t have to exist in a box. It’s OK to dream, and to go after that dream with everything you’ve got.
I can be shy at times. I hope they don’t get that from me, but unfortunately, sometimes, I can see that in them now. I have the ability to go beyond myself when it comes to my work, because I know it’s my calling, but I don’t always enjoy stepping outside myself.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your kids?
I’ve learned the importance of respecting my kids as people, and not just children. During this quarantine, it’s so important to give them their time and space to melt down, and to be irritable, and to be frustrated about being stuck at home. It’s OK. They always come back around.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
Watching and helping my kids develop into being their own people.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
To be honest, I don’t care about credit. That’s my job. That’s what I’m supposed to do. Being an African American dad, I just don’t want society to discredit me or my kids because of our race. The most important thing I can do is be a great example of what a man should be for my kids and for society.
A dad with his dude
Jeff Cronin is founder of The Baby Dude, where he reviews kids’ products from a guy’s perspective. He’s also a high school paraprofessional and the father of one son, and has one on the way.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
This is a fun question! I hope that my boys will have my “see the best in people mentality” and just be nice to people in general. I hope they are also competitive like me. I love sports and playing games! One thing I hope they don’t get from me is my ability to procrastinate until the very last second.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your son?
One thing that I have learned being home so much with my kid is that it’s really hard! He’s 2 and his mood swings are on a whole other level. I love him so much, and we can be playing and having the best time of our lives, and literally three seconds later he is having the meltdown of a lifetime!
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
My favorite thing about being a dad is, really, everything. I love waking up and seeing his face in the morning. I love putting him to bed at night and everything in between. Even with mood swings, I can look at him and just think, “Man, that is my dude right there.”
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
How often I do the dishes! In all seriousness, I think that dads right now are more active than I ever remember hearing about or seeing. I think dads are doing a great job being involved and pulling more than just “their weight.” Dads are really now sharing every aspect and I’m very proud of dads and how far they have come.
Learning alongside his son
Jensen Karp is a writer, comedian and host of Treefort’s The No-Sports Report podcast. He’s the father of one son.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
My hair. I know, people expect a less self-centered answer, but I married a legit hair goal goddess with Danielle, and our son was basically born looking like Marv Albert, so everyone immediately just gives all the credit to my wife. Well, I have a ton of nice thick hair, too! Don’t just ignore me, you know? My wife has a haircare line called Be Free, so you’d assume I’d just say it’s all her genes to help the product, but nope. My hair deserves credit, too!
What do you hope your son did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
I hate the idea that I still bite my fingernails. I’ve been doing it way less since now putting your hands near your face will kill you, but I still catch myself doing it and it destroys me. I know he’ll just imitate whatever I’m doing, so I’m trying to be more conscious, but I hope he doesn’t inherit that awful habit. I do hope he loves movies. So much of my own childhood was spent perusing the aisles of a video store, which I know don’t exist anymore, but I hope he does the same with streaming services. There are so many great films out there, and they were able to teach me so much about humanity and emotion. I hope he somehow gets that bug from me and doesn’t just watch kids opening toys on YouTube.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your son?
I’ve learned how fast he grows. Being around him 24 hours a day now, it’s given me a chance to legitimately watch him achieve everything. I don’t miss anything and it’s surreal. Every day, we’re waking him up and asking, “So, what are we gonna see from you today?” I know it’s a dumb saying that they grow up so fast, but they really do, especially when time itself is going slow. You witness everything.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
I genuinely love the unknown. I don’t pretend I know anything about this. Adler is my first and it shows. I just take everything as it comes and learn right alongside my son. Listen, I know he can’t eat cords or be thrown in the pool, but I Google a ton. I don’t have to be an expert. I just have to do my best and depend on my much smarter wife.
Taking in the moments
John Guevarra is a program officer at First 5 LA, an independent public agency dedicated to supporting the safe and healthy development of young children. He’s the father of one son.
What do you hope your son did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
Love and appreciation for music – how music can help tell a story, connect people, change a mood, and, I won’t tell him yet, help navigate teenage angst (or maybe that was just me). My wife and I make every effort to sing to him, play piano and listen to all types of music to see what he responds to (no surprise: Baby Shark leads the race).
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your son?
I’ve learned to appreciate the once-in-a-lifetime moments. My son just turned 7 months old and is incredibly active. He’s like a magician: put him on his back and he rolls over the moment you blink. Nothing has prepared me for the moments when I’m trying to change a blowout diaper, holding down a squirmy baby and trying to meticulously hit the unmute button on a conference call to make a serious point.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
Honestly, I love reading with him. Even if we’ve read “Hop On Pop” a million times, he still lights up with a smile.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
Being a dad is a process and I’m a work in progress. I’m having to learn to rewire myself and learn from other parents, caregivers and my wife how to be the best person I can be for our family unit. Growing up without a father, I’ve always had a perception of what it means to “be a man.” I was raised by my mom and a village of strong women and I realized, quickly, that children just need someone to be there for them, to celebrate their victories and to have their back during tough times. I don’t want to ever be perfect, I just want to be a little bit better for my son today and the next.
Loving his #girldad role
Jorge Martin is a consultant who recently launched the podcast Familia FFB with two cousins. The podcast covers fantasy football and shares reflections on growing up in a big Mexican family. He’s the father of three daughters.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
I hope they inherit believing in themselves no matter the circumstances. I want them to know that no matter how long the road or how big the task list is in front of them, that they have it inside themselves to conquer whatever they need to do to succeed.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your kids?
That they’re much smarter than I was at their age. My seventh graders are using terms and call out information that I don’t believe I knew until I was in college. Late high school at the very least. And I like how they’ve used their creative minds to add fun to our stay-at-home orders. One week, we had theme dinners where we dressed as Marvel, Star Wars, Harry Potter characters, and even dressed as a different family member one night. It’s also fun seeing them develop business sense playing Monopoly.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
While it was tough at first, I love seeing my daughters grow and become more independent human beings. There are days they take care of dinner. There are times I see them speak publicly and I burst with joy that these young women came from the love my wife and I share. I love how proud they make me, whether it’s a kind note from a teacher, a great play they make in sports or just seeing them play with younger kids. I also love that they still come and kiss me goodnight before they go to bed.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
I think it’s getting better, but society still has a ways to go with girl dads. I heard it myself after our twins were born: “Are you going to try for the boy?” I happily told them that my daughters are doing anything that I’d want a son to do. I actually like that they’ve opened my eyes to women’s sports, especially soccer, and female artists like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry. I don’t know if that would be the case if I had sons. I do love being a #girldad.
Finding moments for love
Maz Jobrani is an actor, writer and comedian who has been seen on television shows such as CBS’ “Superior Donuts,” “Grey’s Anatomy,” “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” “The Detour,” “Last Man Standing” and “Shameless.” He is a regular panelist on NPR’s “Wait Wait … Dont Tell Me!” and his current special, “Immigrant,” is now streaming on Netflix. He is the father of a son and a daughter.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
I don’t need extra credit for anything. In all honesty, I love being a dad. If I could ask my kids to give me something, though, it would be a little more patience. It feels like whenever they want something, they want it right away – even if Dad is on an important call or in the shower or whatever.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
I have seen them be kind to people and that has always touched my heart. I hope they inherited that from me. What do I hope they didn’t inherit from me? My cooking skills – or lack of cooking skills.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your kids?
I have learned to find moments in the day to enjoy them and kiss them and tell them I love them. It has been hectic, and sometimes can be stressful, but if you find the time to remind them of your love, you won’t regret it.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
They make me do things I wouldn’t be doing at my age, like taking surfing lessons, jumping on trampolines and playing dancing games on TV.
Relishing unprompted hugs
Seth Aaron Shai Fishman spends his days as a literary agent and his nights (and mornings) writing. His first picture book, “A Hundred Billion Trillion Stars,” won the Mathical Prize, was a Boston Globe Horn Book Honor Book and was named a best book of 2017 by Amazon, Space.com and the Planetary Society. He’s the father of two sons.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
I hope my kids inherited my imagination and nerdiness, and didn’t inherit my sloppiness and occasional bouts of lazy.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your kids?
I’ve learned that it’s just as hard as it’s good for them that I’m home. That teachers should be paid more than anyone. That I love seeing my kids, even if it’s only for a second. That the phone is your worst enemy.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
Unprompted hugs. And unprompted smiles. Basically, anything that my kids do that involve them surprising me with love. Like, they really do love me.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
I think we get plenty of credit. There are many articles citing how much more involved men are, plenty of books published in that direction. Moms still (on the whole) carry a heavier load, and I’m just fine with them receiving the lion’s share of the credit.
Leading family fun
Stephen Dypiangco is co-founder and CEO of Dadventures, a website focused on empowering dads, moms and kids to spend quality time together. He’s the father of three.
What do you hope your kids did – and didn’t – inherit from you?
I hope my kids inherit my sense of optimism that keeps me pushing through when times get tough. I hope they don’t inherit the challenges I sometimes encounter getting in touch with my emotions.
What have you learned from spending so much time at home with your kids?
I’ve learned that the best way to help my family is to take on more ownership and responsibility around the house. While it’s good to do stuff I normally do – like play with the kids and do chores like the dishes – I can make an even bigger impact by fully taking over responsibilities like giving my wife nights off, planning date nights and getting our toddler to take naps.
What’s your favorite thing about being a dad?
I love organizing fun family activities that put big smiles on the faces of my three kids and my wife. When I do something that allows us all to have fun and be present with each other, the feeling is incredible.
What do you wish your partner/society gave you more credit for when it comes to being a dad?
I already spend lots of time engaged with my family, and it’s fun and rewarding for me. But the hard work I’m doing with my partner to improve our communication and collaboration, so we both feel like we are leading our family, goes unseen. Changing and improving our dynamic, so I’m not waiting for her to tell me what to do, takes time and considerable effort. And I wish there was more recognition for dads actively involved in that process.
