Friendship. When it’s right, our kids feel seen, supported and connected. But when so-called friendships veer towards jealousy, disrespect and manipulation, they can make children feel sad and inadequate.
Watching our children go through tough peer relationships can be heartbreaking, while also evoking a sense of helplessness. We want our kids to move through life with confidence, connecting with their peers in fun and healthy ways as they build strong and mutually respectful relationships. But we don’t always know when to step in.
I reached out to Suzanne Silverstein, a registered art therapist and founding director of the Cedars-Sinai Share & Care program, to gain some insight into ways we can help our kids develop stronger relationships and navigate unkind peers. She talked to me in-depth about this delicate issue and offered some critical do’s and don’ts.
What is the Share & Care program?
Cedars-Sinai Share & Care is a school-based mental health prevention and early intervention program that applies art therapy, mindfulness and council interventions to help children, educators and families who have been impacted by traumatic events and/or stressors.
This academic year, Share & Care is at 28 [Los Angeles Unified School District] schools — 23 elementary and five middle schools. The program currently provides services to approximately 800 students per year.
How important is having friends in a child’s life?
Friendship is a critical component in the lifetime of adults and children of all ages. It plays a major role in life and development. Relationships with friends are one of the cornerstones of emotional development in a child. Children need to learn how to deal with their emotions when they get upset with peers. Friendships teach children social skills, how to communicate with others, how to problem solve and how to share. All these skills create an impact on the child and help develop positive self-esteem.
How can parents help their children navigate making friends and keeping friends?
Parents serve as a role model for their children. They see how you relate with others, how you talk to them and what you share with friends. If you have problems making friends, this message will come across to your child. All your relationships with friends send strong messages to your children.
For younger children, you can help them make friends by setting up play dates. This will allow you to observe how they play with others. Are they able to share, can they communicate with their friends and problem solve? If your child has a problem in one of these areas, talk about what you observed, explain what didn’t work and why it might have been upsetting, share with your child what could have been done differently. Give your child lots of positive feedback when your child has play dates that went well.
How can parents help their child understand the difference between a true friend and one who is not?
As a parent, it’s important for you to help your child understand what a true friend is. The following are characteristics of a good friend: one who respects you, supports you, someone you enjoy spending time with, someone who is not judgmental, [someone who is] a good listener and someone who has a sense of humor.
A good relationship with friends can help your child develop positive self-esteem. As you observe your child making good friendships, point out the positive aspects that you noticed.
Share with them what you like about the friend.
If your child leans towards friends with negative actions that cause your child to feel bad, this is where you can step in and help your child understand why this friend is not the best choice.
Should parents get involved when they sense that their child is being left out? If so, how?
It really depends on the age of the child. For younger children, talk to them about being left out and how they feel. Give them tools and role play how to respond. If your child is getting into a fight with a friend, then it is best to step in if your child is unable to resolve the argument. Look at both sides of the situation. Don’t just take your child’s side. The next time your child is with friends, remind your child of your discussion and go over the suggestions you made together.
Older children often want to handle situations on their own. Ask how things are going. If you notice your child is down or hasn’t talked about a friend in a while, you can share that you noticed and ask, “Has something happened?” Your child might elect not to share the situation with you at that time, [but] let them know you are available when they want to talk.
How does social media come into play in our kids’ friendships?
In the 21st century, social media has become a major aspect in the lives of so many. As adults, we turn to technology to connect with family members, friends and colleagues. It is important to remember that parents serve as role models for their children. Youth observe how the adults in their home use technology (cell phones, social media, gaming, etc.). For younger children, phones, TVs and computers can become addictive. It is recommended that young children not be exposed to these devices. As children get older and begin using computers for school, it’s recommended that the computer be in a location outside of their bedroom, where you as the parent can see what your child is working on.
Older children tend to spend hours captivated by social media, texting and scrolling though phone apps. Teens turn to cell phones to communicate and build relationships rather than communicating directly in person. Gaming is another major social media area. Many children and teens spend countless hours playing video games. They play online group games which serve for many as their social contacts and friends. In many cases, gamers only know each other by their online names. They have no idea how old other players are, where they live or what kind of person they are. The hours spent gaming can limit in-person connections and friendships.
Below are do’s and don’ts to review with your children. These are extremely important tips.
Do:
• Be aware of information you share about yourself, your family and friends.
• Be aware who can access your information.
• Trust yourself. If something looks or feels funny, check in with an adult.
• Be aware before you post anything. Once information is online, you have lost control of it.
Don’t:
• Assume everyone online is who they say they are.
• Share other people’s personal information or photographs.
• Post information that could tell someone who you are or where you live.
• Respond to disturbing or harassing messages. Cyberbullies are looking for reactions from you.
What friendship-related stresses have you witnessed through Share & Care?
For the elementary-age child, the school playground can be a source of stress. Boys often can’t tell the difference between the aggressive child who’s good at sports from a child who is being overly aggressive in a negative manner. Fourth-and fifth-grade girls tend to have a great deal of social problems, such as picking on one another or singling one girl not to be friends with. Some children don’t have the skills to communicate positively and are not always nice to one another. Cyberbullying has become a big issue for many kids due to social media.
Some children are inherently more social than others. How can parents help nurture friendships for the kids who are less socially skilled?
For the child with less social skills or possibly a shy child, there are steps a parent can take to help the child feel more comfortable in social situations. Start your child off with play dates when your child is young. That is the time children begin to learn and develop social skills, which is how they make and keep friends. Expose your child to activities and sports that your child likes.
Your child can also get involved in activities with friends so they won’t feel all alone. Reach out to your child’s teacher, see if the teacher has any tips for you since the teacher observes your child interacting with peers daily. As your child gets older, try role playing situations that make your child uncomfortable and give your child social tools to help connect with peers, such as making good eye contact, talking about activities other people like as well, demonstrating how to focus on the other person (being empathic).
What’s the worst thing a parent can do when it comes to their kids’ friendships?
There are two things that come to mind that set a bad example. If you’re helping your child learn how to make and keep friends, you need to model that yourself. If you talk negatively about your own friends to others, you are giving your child the message you don’t value friendships.
The other is being a pushy parent by making your child do things that are uncomfortable for your child. For example, let’s say your child is uncomfortable in groups, and you invite several children over at once for play date. This could make your child feel more uncomfortable and not want to participate in play dates in the future.
What is one thing you wish all parents knew about their children’s inner world of friends?
I wish all parents could recognize the importance of children’s inner worlds, their uniqueness, which is made up of their memories, energy, creativity, wishes, friends and worries. The more you as a parent can recognize this part of your child and allow your child to share that part with you, the more you are able to see the different aspects of your child and appreciate your child’s individuality.
