When a young teen hears, “You can do what you want, but be a good person doing it,” they are handed a heavy burden. As a parent, it’s important to recognize the implications of this statement. Rather than building self-trust, independence or intrinsic motivation, it inadvertently puts external approval at the center of your teen’s decision-making process.
What this actually teaches is that your child’s worth is tied to doing things that others will judge as “good.” It pressures them to conform to expectations, often leading them to worry more about others’ opinions than about their own genuine choices. It doesn’t lead to self-responsibility; if anything, it creates fear of it as a burden.
It can suffocate their development and lead to confusion about why they want to do something in the first place. Are they pursuing an activity because it truly resonates with them, or because they feel compelled to meet someone else’s standard?
When a teen learns that the “right” choice is whatever pleases others, they miss opportunities to take emotional risks, explore their interests and make decisions based on internal motivations. They begin to worry more about disappointing their parents than following their own path, even when their choices aren’t harmful.
Parenting on Autopilot
Parents often repeat patterns from their own upbringing without realizing it. Some common phrases, while well-intended, can hinder a child’s growth. For example:
- You may think you’re protecting your child by discouraging risk-taking, but in reality, you could be instilling fear and self-doubt.
- You might feel you’re offering guidance by telling your teen to “be good,” but this vague standard often creates confusion and anxiety.
- By giving them a broad directive like “Do what you want,” you might expect them to act as their own moral compass. However, without clear parameters, this can lead to uncertainty and dependence on external approval.
- When you try to control their actions with guilt or shame, you unintentionally teach them to base their choices on what others think, rather than on their own inner values.
This pattern of external validation doesn’t just affect childhood — it follows them into adulthood, making it harder for them to trust themselves and their decisions.
Teach Radical Self-Responsibility
Radical self-responsibility means owning every thought, feeling, action and statement.
It’s about acknowledging that your choices are yours and making them from a place of emotional safety and well-being. When teens learn to take responsibility for their decisions — whether they lead to success or failure — they build resilience and self-confidence. Even when things go wrong, they know they have the strength to navigate the consequences and make different choices in the future.
As parents, it’s essential to allow your teen to experience life fully, even the parts that might be emotionally challenging. You cannot save them from every hardship, and when you try, you rob them of the opportunity to learn and grow. True self-responsibility is synonymous with emotional maturity. The opposite, blame, leaves your teen powerless, constantly looking for external scapegoats instead of owning their choices.
How to Shift Your Approach
Rather than trying to control your teen’s behavior, consider these approaches to create self-responsibility:
- Get to know your teen’s motivations. Ask them why they want to do something and listen without judgment. Understanding their internal drivers helps them connect with their intrinsic motivation, making them more confident in their choices.
- Encourage emotional risk-taking. Instead of labeling their decisions as “good” or “bad,” ask them to pay attention to how their choices make them feel. The benefit is growing self-awareness and discernment, skills that will serve them in the long term.
- Trust their decision-making process. If you’re worried that they might make the wrong choice, check whether your fear is based on reality or your own insecurities. Trust your child to learn from their experiences, just as you did.
- Be specific in your communication. Vague directives such as “Do what you want” can be confusing. Offer clear and thoughtful guidance that encourages self-reflection without imposing your own expectations.
Modeling Self-Responsibility
As parents, you have the opportunity to model radical self-responsibility in your own actions. Blame can be sneaky, so be mindful of statements such as, “I’m upset because he/she is the problem” or “I lashed out because I always have to fix everything.” These comments deflect responsibility for your reactions. Instead, recognize that you always have a choice in how you respond, no matter what someone else says or does.
Being a model of self-responsibility means showing your teen how to speak their truth and express their emotions without blaming others. You can say, “I’m feeling frustrated” without making it someone else’s fault. When things don’t go as planned, take the time to reflect on your role in the situation. What could you have done differently? What might you try next time?
By taking responsibility for your own emotions and actions, you show your teen how to do the same. You demonstrate that while external circumstances may not always be within their control, their choices and responses are. Moving to radical self-responsibility can enable both you and your teen to grow with confidence and trust in yourselves.
Tracy Crossley, M.A., is an author, Trainer and Behavior Expert. For more information on how you can help your teen, visit growtrinsic.com.
