If you let the commercials tell it, the winter holidays are wrapped in joy, connection and celebration. But let’s unwrap the season for a deeper truth: For many people, the holidays sharpen the ache of loss and grief.
When a loved one is missing — whether through death, divorce or some other separation — you might feel like skipping the holidays and jumping straight into spring. You’re not alone. A Psychology Today study shows that at least 35%of individuals don’t want to celebrate the holidays due to feelings of grief.
Dr. Supatra Tovar, a clinical psychologist, says grief feels more intense at this time because these occasions are strongly linked with traditions, family gatherings and memories of loved ones. “When someone important is missing, the contrast between what was once shared and what is now absent becomes more pronounced,” Tovar says.
The season can be haunting
Whether you’ve lost a cherished family member or beloved friend, grief moves through the holidays with us as our loved ones once did. Memories and thoughts are always close, and “The Grief Mentor,” Teresa Davis, says wanting to isolate and shut down are common reactions. “The holidays are such a traditional time of year that when one person is missing, the loss and loneliness are magnified and can be debilitating,” Davis says.
Traditions: keep or change?
Holiday rituals allow connection to the past, and one recent study reports that 71% of people say they’ve been following the same holiday traditions for most of their lives. These practices fill us with comfort and meaning, but these same traditions can also escalate grief.
Still, Tovar suggests that balancing grief with celebrations can help, and this begins with being flexible. “For some, keeping traditions alive feels comforting; however, for others, it may feel right to change routines or skip certain gatherings altogether,” Tovar says. Both grief and joy can be present at the same time; there’s no need to choose one over the other.
To this point, Davis counsels her clients to give themselves permission to make the holidays different — especially if it’s your first holiday without a loved one. Decide what traditions you’d like to continue and which ones you might need time away from.
“Do you, and don’t fall into that trap of meeting others’ expectations in regard to what others expect you to do,” Davis says. Trying to maintain others’ emotional expectations can be agonizing and place pressure on you during an already stressful time. “Teach the importance of boundaries to protect your space to grieve,” she advises.
Boundaries without guilt
One way to maintain boundaries that bring comfort is by managing expectations. Acknowledging and accepting that you have the right to grieve any way you choose is a good place to start. Both experts suggest talking ahead of time with family and friends to outline what you’d like the holidays to look like. This can be a plan sketched out to the smallest detail or a general idea of how you want to spend the season. “Being able to manage expectations gives voice to your needs,” Davis says.
If you decide you don’t feel comfortable hosting this year or might need to leave a party early, tell your family how you feel. Gatherings can become overwhelming, and letting loved ones know ahead of time that leaving early is a possibility allows you to experience your grief in ways that support you best. Then, consider what that might look like: Do you want to be able to slip out quietly? Do you need to say short goodbyes and phone a friend once you’re at home?
“The most valuable support often comes as simple presence,” Tovar says. Friends and family can support simply by listening. Davis reminds us that even though asking for what you need may feel difficult, expressing your needs allows loved ones to show up in ways that are truly helpful.
Small rituals, big comfort
If your family is mourning a loss, Tovar and Davis suggest engaging in small rituals to bring healing. “Give each person permission to explain what their expectations are,” Davis says. “Choose a compromise that honors the family member.”
After coming up with ideas, adults and kids together can decide what feels right. “Cook a favorite dish or make a charitable donation in their [loved one’s] name,” Tovar says.
“Just because they don’t have a physical presence doesn’t mean they can’t be part of the holidays,” Davis says. You can write letters or set up a “memory table” with some of their favorite items and photos.
One of Davis’ favorite practices is to write out cards with a special memory (which she keeps in a jar or box) and then either read them aloud or save them for a quiet moment alone. “This lightens up the pressure that you aren’t able to celebrate with them,” she says. Having one small thing that you look forward to can help your holidays feel a little more fulfilling even in the midst of grief.
Flexibility and self-care
Grief is not relegated to a calendar. As it ebbs and flows, feel free to change plans as you move through the holidays year after year, shaping the season in ways that feel authentic to you and your family.
And when a wave of grief rises unexpectedly, Tovar encourages you to lean on mindfulness practices such as gentle exercise or spending time outdoors. Studies show these practices can reduce stress and improve emotional regulation. Additionally, seeking professional help can provide extra insight and support.
“Traditions no longer mean the same, so keep some of the old and create new,” Davis says. With time, self-compassion and grace, you can honor both grief and joy as part of your new holiday tradition.
Tonilyn Hornung is an author and freelance writer who lives with her husband, son and many furry friends.
