The holiday season is associated with feelings of joy and gratitude, but for many this time is overshadowed with feelings of grief and heartbreak over the loss of a loved one. These conflicting feelings can make it difficult to navigate to a place of peace and comfort.
To help those hurting during the holidays, L.A. Parent had the privilege to interview the world-renowned and L.A. based therapist and author Dr. Laura Berman. Berman has specialized studies about the human heart and mind, is an award winning author for “Quantum Love” and is an award winning host for “Language of Love Podcast.”
In February 2021, Berman lost her son to fentanyl poisoning. Through her expertise and personal experience, she has become a credible source about the topic of grief.
Here are some tips and advice from Berman:
Why are feelings like grief and heartbreak amplified during the holiday season? How can we recognize these feelings stirring up in ourselves or in others?
Holidays are rich in memories, often memories of our very best times with our loved ones. The simplest thing like a Christmas carol or the smell of pine needles can recreate those vivid memories of our loved ones, and it can be like a knife in the heart to repeatedly realize those times are gone forever. And on top of that, we are inundated with images of happy families and togetherness, which can trigger our feelings of resentment, loss and loneliness. No wonder many people report that their grief worsens significantly over the holidays, from sleep disturbances to anxiety to depression.
How can we recognize these feelings stirring up in ourselves or in others?
Assume that it will happen for you or for anyone you know who is dealing with grief. It would be very rare if not impossible for us to escape the holiday season without feeling our grief being triggered. But there will be lots of little signs like changes to the normal routine (not walking your dog at the usual time, not eating at meal times, sleeping less, drinking more, being more irritable, etc.).
What are some coping mechanisms to use for ourselves or to help others?
Approach your grief with gentle compassion. Don’t try to run from it or pretend it’s not happening, either in you or someone who you want to support. Let them talk about it if they want to, or sit in silent support if that feels better for them. Try to stick to your normal routine as much as possible: Keep doing your yoga class or attending church, keep making dinner even if you don’t want to eat it. Make smaller portions and save some for leftovers. Just the act of these normal routines can be soothing. Take your nightly bath and make sure you’re still taking your vitamins and medications. Don’t let self-care fall by the wayside. Find ways to simplify. Do meal-delivery or hire a house cleaner. Do gift cards instead of trying to find the perfect gift for everyone. Read more and spend less time on social media.
What are some ways we can honor lost loved ones? How can we make the holiday season happy again after losing someone?
I think this will be very individual to you and the special person you lost. Maybe they loved helping others, so you honor their memory by working at a soup kitchen. Maybe they loved skiing, so you ski during the holidays. Did they love baking or holiday decorating? You can bake their favorite cookies and give them to neighbors or friends if you don’t want to eat them. Sit a place for them at your holiday table, light a candle by their picture, or wear their favorite color at Christmas dinner. You can wrap a gift for them under the tree if you found something they would have loved, or buy yourself something that they would have bought for you. Find something that feels soothing and not triggering. Remember, your loved one would want you to feel peace and comfort during this time, not more pain. So listen to your heart and let your loved one guide you: What feels right to you? Maybe that will be sticking to your old holiday traditions. Maybe that will mean saying you don’t want to do Christmas this year and taking a trip instead.
How do you seek support? How do you offer support?
Honesty is key. Don’t be afraid to tell people that you’re not okay right now. Admit that your grief is overwhelming. And let people do the same in turn. When you ask people how they are doing, really ask…and then really listen. Acknowledge that you know this time must be so hard for them right now, and let them know that you are there to support them, whether they want to laugh, cry, or just sit beside you. Look for grief support groups near you or find a comforting online community that meets your needs.”
How can you turn grief into motivation and drive to grow and start anew?
Don’t be afraid of your grief. Your grief is your love for your lost loved one. Grieving is your connection to them, and it is precious and sacred. Learning to let ourselves feel uncomfortable things is such an important lesson that will be invaluable throughout our lives. Give yourself a few days to “wallow” and feel all the feelings, but realize there is a time to slowly get out of bed and open the curtains once again. Grieving is not linear: You will have good days and bad days and everything in between. Ride the waves instead of fighting them.
Berman is currently offering a new online course called “Good Grief: Healing from Loss with Love,” that will help listeners learn ways to healthily grieve and how to support those that are grieving.
On Dec. 2, Berman had an in-person event of “Good Grief” in L.A.
