As a dad and teacher, I have experienced awkward moments on both sides of the fence. I’ll never forget the year a teacher asked my youngest son, who struggled with writing: “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” My wife and I wanted to scream at the otherwise kind instructor, but a productive parent-teacher conference abated our frustration.
And then there was the time when, at a private school where I was teaching, a dad told me: “I’m not paying for my daughter to get C’s.” A snappy retort — “Clearly, you’re not paying enough!” — danced in my head. Instead, we devised a plan for his daughter to improve.
Through mutual trust and communication, it’s possible to optimize your parent-teacher partnerships.
Good parent-teacher communication starts early
Once academics enter the picture, parents shift more control to the learning experts, but they should maintain a dialogue with the school.
Shelley Lawrence, M.Ed., ACC, CPCC, is an educational coach and consultant who served as lower school director at Sinai Akiba Academy for 20 years. Often, parents worry they might seem hovering or accusatory, Lawrence says, but if “there’s something that a parent is concerned about, [they should] send an email.
“Come from a place of real curiosity,” Lawrence advises. “Ask things like, ‘When I was reading with Bobby Sue, I noticed she skipped words. What are you seeing in your class?’”
While email is the preferred method of initial communication, the next step might be scheduling an in-person or online meeting. In terms of whom to contact, Lawrence recommends going to your child’s teacher first. “They appreciate being consulted as the person who knows your student best,” she says.
There are times, though, when an educator might get defensive — or when a concern persists. In such cases, Lawrence recommends going to the program director, chair or principal. When the issue is more behavioral or emotional, a principal might refer the parent to a school counselor. “If something is going on in your family [such as stressors like moving or a separation], let the educators know,” Lawrence says. “They can serve your kid powerfully.”
Contacting a teacher too frequently does not allow a teacher time to assess progress. Lawrence advises finishing a conversation with, “When can I expect to hear an update from you?”
Sometimes, parents feel anxious because of concern for our children, but also about our own effectiveness. “Trust the professionals,” Lawrence says. Moreover, parents should “resist the urge to be our child’s teacher at home.” Occasional assistance is fine, but parents need not play the role of both educator and nurturer/provider.
Not so stuck in the middle
In middle school, students step toward self-reliance, creating a challenge for parents to balance monitoring and staying hands-off. Judy Burbank, head of school for the Altadena campus of Stratford School, advises parents not to allow adolescents’ budding independence to push out parental involvement. “Communicate anytime there is a concern,” says this educator of 25 years at the elementary and middle school levels.
She encourages parents to “reach out to the teacher first for academic issues and to the principal for administrative topics.” Like Lawrence, Burbank believes email is the best initial mode of communication. “We have our teachers respond within 24 hours to any parent request,” she says. But “don’t expect teachers to respond on off days.” As a school leader, she will reply to parents on Sunday evenings, particularly if it regards a student’s well-being.
“If there is a problem with a teacher, contact the principal or chair/director,” she says. Should a child have trouble learning with a teacher, Burbank calls a meeting between her and the parent(s). “We will explore why things are not working, then bring in the teacher to work on a plan together.” Whenever possible, Burbank prefers having all parental figures at meetings to get various perspectives.
To right the balance between too little and too much contact, she suggests parents keep up with all conferences, school events and emails or calls from teachers. And she encourages teachers to reach out to parents not just for problems, but also for the good stuff. “We want parents to know what their child is doing well,” she says.
For teacher appreciation occasions, Burbank says teacher still appreciate baked goods, flowers and gift cards.
Reach out to school counselors
Somalia Miller Salmond, M.A., is a school counselor at the South Los Angeles campus for KIPP (Knowledge Is Power Program) SoCal Public Schools, where parents inquire about everything from behavioral to social-emotional issues. One focus is the IEP, or Individualized Education Plan, which the public school district prepares for students with learning differences. “With IEPs and other meetings, our conversations are about creating goals for the student,” Miller Salmond says.
As a counselor, she will “discuss conflicts among students, including bullying. In this case, we have a meeting with families to make their child feel safe at school,” she says.
In addition, the school hosts scheduled conferences with each family. “We start with the student’s strengths, then move to what needs improvement,” Miller Salmond explains. “At home, parents should check with their children about feelings and homework assignments to partner with us to increase the student’s skills.”
PHOTO COURTESY KIPP SOCAL PUBLIC SCHOOLS
At her KIPP school, families use apps such as Parent Square and Class Dojo to message teachers, administrators and school counselors. “Phone calls can be good, but we don’t use email [as] much,” Miller Salmond says. “Overall, I teach students and parents they can express concerns in a safe way.”
Reaching for higher ground in high school
In high school, students take charge of communication. Barnaby Shepherd, M.A., an English language arts instructor with The Science Academy STEM Magnet in North Hollywood, believes “it is a good idea to … teach [students] to be self-advocates about their grades and assignments.”
There are still back-to-school nights, emails and newsletters to keep families abreast of curricular and policy details. And parents usually have access to their child’s grades via a learning management system. Rather than check too often, it’s wise to talk directly with your student about their progress.
Shepherd appreciates a “heads up” about a student who might need extra consideration. “I like building rapport with parents to reassure them that I know what I am doing and care about their child,” he says.
If there is a particular concern a child won’t fully address, parents should first try to let their student know they are going to get input from school. If there is a more serious issue — signs of depression, anger, fast-dropping grades — parents can request a phone call or meeting to talk further with faculty.
As needed, The Science Academy teachers will contact families with concerns. If the issue is related to well-being, the school counselor calls. If it’s a substantial discipline matter, a dean or school leader requests a meeting.
Largely because of the added pressure to get students ready college and other postsecondary pursuits, parents occasionally exhibit tension with teachers. “Every time that I have a challenging situation, I remind them that I am on their team,” Shepherd says. “It can never be construed as a fight between the stakeholders.”
For Shepherd, the most gratifying connections have been “the in-person conversations and hugs I have received from parents. I believe in being super positive in emails and meetings. I match the level of respect with parents to the way I present to their kids in class.”
Whatever the grade level, the parent-school partnership needs care and communication if we are to successfully guide these most precious entities of our lives. Ask questions, follow up and strengthen the mutual trust that is needed to raise up our kids.
Best Practices for Effective Parent-Teacher Communication
- Approach each note or call as a chance for partnership. Teachers want to help your child succeed and respond well to positive collaboration.
- Email or other electronic messaging is best for initial contact with faculty.
- Give a faculty member at least 24 hours to reply to a message.
- Respond to teachers, administrators and counselors within a day or so.
- Plan in-person or Zoom meetings for more involved concerns.
- Follow up with teachers after communications. Ask for emailed details of any to-do’s agreed upon between parents and faculty.
- Feel free to connect with faculty in the high school years, though interactions should scale back in the advancing years.
- Give handwritten thank-you notes at holiday and/or year-end times. Gift cards are also appreciated.
Gregory Keer is a husband to one, father to three, a high school educator and veteran writer. Find his columns and more at familyman.blog.
