Social media can make comparison feel constant for kids and teens. Experts share how parents can build confidence, encourage healthy screen habits and strengthen kids’ sense of self offline.
Adolescence has always been a time when young people try to figure out who they are and where they fit in by measuring themselves against their peers, but social media amplifies the comparison trap, providing an endless pool of carefully curated (and often edited) images and highlight reels every day.
“Popularity, attractiveness and social status suddenly have numbers attached to them,” says Wilfred van Gorp, Ph.D., a board-certified neuropsychologist and director of Cognitive Assessment Group. “Kids may intellectually understand that likes and followers don’t determine their worth, but emotionally they often experience these metrics as acceptance or rejection.”
Licensed marriage and family therapist Tiffany Shah, a mother of four daughters ages 9 to 18, sees the effects firsthand both at home and in her practice. “I see a lot of comparison with teenagers and even adults,” Shah says. “Kids think they should be doing what everyone else appears to be doing online. It creates insecurity because they feel like they’re missing out.”
Even birthday celebrations have become performances. “Sometimes it’s less about enjoying the moment and more about getting pictures to post,” says Shah, who constantly reminds her own daughters that “social media is not real.”
How do we help kids develop an internal sense of worth when so much of their social world is measuring worth externally?
The good news? As parents, we have more influence than we might realize.
How social media affects the brain differently
According to van Gorp, platforms such as Instagram, TikTok and Snapchat are designed to maximize engagement through constant novelty, likes, comments and notifications. “The developing brain is highly sensitive to reward and social feedback,” he explains. “Every notification, like or new video provides a small reward signal that encourages children to keep checking and scrolling.”
Pediatric neuropsychologist Rita Eichenstein, Ph.D., says that these frequent dopamine surges can create unrealistic expectations for stimulation and gratification.
“Notifications trigger dopamine releases similar to how adults feel when they win on a slot machine,” she says. “I’ve evaluated children whose brains became conditioned to receiving rewards every 90 seconds, making everyday life feel too slow and less satisfying.”
Constant exposure to curated images, likes, followers and other forms of social feedback can intensify comparison and make children more focused on appearance, popularity and outside validation.
There isn’t one universal age that means a child is ready for a phone or social media. Experts quoted in this story recommend considering a child’s emotional readiness and, when possible, delaying social media so kids have more time to develop confidence and real-world relationships.
Signs social media may be affecting your child
Parents often notice behavioral changes before they connect them to screen habits. According to van Gorp, warning signs include:
- Increased anxiety or irritability
- Withdrawal from family activities
- Excessive concern about appearance
- Constant checking of devices
- Emotional distress when separated from their phone or tablet
- Difficulty concentrating
- Sleep problems
- Mood swings and heightened emotional reactions
“Many parents know where their children are physically,” van Gorp says. “But they don’t know where they’re spending large portions of their emotional and social lives online.”
He encourages parents to remain actively involved, understanding which platforms their children use and who they interact with. “This isn’t about invading privacy,” he says. “It’s healthy supervision.”
Should parents wait before giving kids phones?
Although most social media platforms require users to be at least 13 years old, experts caution that age requirements shouldn’t automatically signal readiness. And Eichenstein believes many parents mistake age 13 as a milestone.
“I see it differently,” she says. “Parents often think they’re giving their child a phone. I see it as handing them their own slot machine.”
Shah agrees. “If I could do it all over again, I would delay it as long as possible,” she says.
While electronic devices are, eventually, inevitable, waiting is a good strategy, van Gorp says, “I rarely see children harmed by waiting. I do see children struggling with anxiety, comparison and dependence on online validation once social media becomes a major part of their lives.”
For families navigating divorce or shared custody, Shah understands phones may be necessary. Instead of unrestricted access, she recommends using screen-time settings and gradually increasing responsibility.
Building confidence beyond the screen
Confidence isn’t built online — it develops through real-world experiences. “Children need opportunities to develop competence,” says van Gorp. “Sports, creative activities, hobbies, volunteering and face-to-face friendships all help build a strong sense of self.”
Shah encourages her daughters to spend time outside, ride bikes and pursue activities they genuinely enjoy. “As parents, we should encourage kids to do things they love instead of focusing on what everybody else is doing,” she says.
She also uses affirmations and gratitude exercises with her daughters. “On the way to school, I ask them what they’re grateful for,” she says. “It helps them focus on what they have instead of what they think they’re missing.”
In a world obsessed with followers, filters and perfection, parents may feel powerless, but experts say confidence doesn’t come from likes or viral moments. It grows when children feel loved, capable and connected to the people around them.
“Childhood is short,” says van Gorp. “Give your child as much time as possible to develop confidence, friendships, resilience and a strong sense of self in the real world before introducing platforms designed to capture and hold their attention.”
The goal isn’t to make kids stop comparing themselves. That’s an age-old human trait. The goal is to give them enough of an internal sense of who they are — enough of a fulfilled life offline — that comparison doesn’t determine their worth.
7 Ways to Help Kids Thrive Offline
1. Delay social media when possible. Waiting gives children more time to develop emotionally before entering a comparison-driven environment.
2. Create screen-free zones. Keep phones away from the dinner table and out of bedrooms at night.
3. Prioritize sleep. Experts recommend turning off screens at least an hour before bedtime.
4. Encourage passions and hobbies. Sports, art, music, volunteering and creative pursuits foster self-esteem and identity.
5. Talk openly about social media. Teach children that online content is curated and doesn’t represent real life.
6. Monitor without shaming. Know your child’s accounts and maintain ongoing conversations about safety and digital citizenship.
7. Model healthy habits. Children notice when parents constantly check their phones. Licensed marriage and family therapist Tiffany Shah and her family sometimes place everyone’s devices in a basket during dinner. “If we’re asking kids to disconnect, we have to model it, too,” she says.
Anasia Obioha, Ed.D., is the founder and president of Empress Coaching and Consulting. She also serves as a communications and development director for a public charter school network and adjunct instructor at UCLA Extension. She holds a journalism degree from Michigan State University, an MBA from Woodbury University and a doctor of education in organizational change and leadership from USC.
