From dating skills and healthy relationships to friendships and social outings, these L.A.-area programs help neurodivergent young adults connect and build confidence.

As the mother of a neurodivergent young adult, I still cringe about the time I encouraged my child to attend high school prom — a night that quickly dissolved into disaster because of sensory overwhelm. 

“Mom… I’m outside.” Lee spoke quickly, her words coming out in jagged gasps. “I can’t go back. There are too many kids inside. The music is pounding… in every room. It’s as hot as an oven, and there’s no escape!”

That night taught me a valuable lesson: The social world isn’t designed with neurodivergence in mind. Even if they can handle an event designed for neurotypical people, neurodivergent young adults often have difficulty with social norms. Trying to interpret social cues, such as eye contact, body language and facial expressions, can lead to confusion and anxiety, often causing a neurodivergent young adult to hide their natural traits, or “mask,” as they attempt to conform.

And when dating comes into play, neurodivergent challenges mount. Sensory overload, rejection-sensitive dysphoria, difficulty with flirting, acute anxiety around the rules of dating and often a preference for direct communication can make dating seem out of reach.

The good news is that practical skills and support can pave a path to friendships, dating and social clubs where neurodivergent young adults can connect. These days, there are dating apps (such as Atypikoo and Hiki) for neurodivergent users that promote comfort and respect. The TV show “Love on the Spectrum” has also helped bring real-life neurodivergent-dating experiences into public conversation.

And these four programs in the L.A. area are giving neurodivergent young adults the tools, education and help they deserve to find fulfilling relationships.

The Ed Asner Family Center

The Ed Asner Family Center, located in Van Nuys, provides a wonderful opportunity for students in the special-needs community by offering two dating spectrum courses: Sex ED 101 and the popular Dating Spectrum. Neurodivergent instructors run or co-run all the programs, making it a more authentic experience for the students. The two programs cycle one after the other, running four to six weeks per session.

Sex ED 101 is an in-person course with two options: one for teens 12-17, and another for adults 18 and over, educating students on sexuality, sexual health and communication. Alissa Myer, a therapist and Dating Spectrum co-instructor, says the goal is to provide students with a safe space to explore their curiosity about unfamiliar topics. The program addresses hygiene, body image and personal space, along with public and private behaviors, boundaries and the tools for gaining self-confidence, using therapy-approved visuals.

As Navah Paskowitz-Asner, co-founder and executive director of the program, says, “Parents say their children finally feel like this is where I belong. I can be myself here. I can talk openly and not feel like I’m going to be judged…”

The Dating Spectrum is both in-person and online. In this class, students learn the groundwork to dating and building relationships, whether they be romantic or platonic. Role-playing and mock dating make the classes fun, says Paskowitz Murnik, program coordinator and co-instructor. Students gain skills for navigating conversations, planning and asking someone on a date — and even learning how to break up and let go. Instructors also discuss internet relationships and online safety.

The Dating Spectrum social club meets monthly online or with in-person events, such as dinner, movies, trivia nights and beach outings, fully chaperoned by staff with a parent support group.

UCLA PEERS Clinic

The UCLA PEERS Clinic offers PEERS for Young Adults and PEERS for Dating programs for people on or off the autism spectrum. Elizabeth Laugeson, Psy.D., who founded and developed both programs and wrote the curriculum, uses evidence-based social skills in programs offered in person or virtually on a 16-week rotating basis.

PEERS for Young Adults was created for people ages 18-38, and it aims to help them find and maintain friendships with others, as well as develop skills to start and maintain romantic relationships. Using concrete, research-supported strategies, students work on communication, forming friendships, managing conflict and rejection and strategies that address bullying. Social coaches help young adults practice newly learned skills.

PEERS for Dating focuses more on romantic relationships for people who are 18-45. Through this program, they learn to identify and ask someone to date, plan successful dates, handle disagreements and recognize healthy relationships. It also covers dating apps, online dating, flirting, consent, safe sex and how to navigate rejection.

Both programs provide rules and steps of dating etiquette, followed by role-playing demonstrations of socially risky and socially healthy dating behaviors with rehearsal activities. Homework assignments encourage students to practice dating in the real world with the help of a dating coach. Laugeson says, “Watching people realize that these meaningful relationships are absolutely within their reach… they begin developing confidence because they see that the skills they’re using are actually working.”

Club 21

Based in Pasadena, Club 21 Learning and Resource Center supports people with Down syndrome and other intellectual and developmental disabilities. There are two programs, both called Growing Into You. The first, which takes place in the fall, has an emphasis on sexuality, relationships and self-advocacy for people ages 17-21, and the second, held in the spring for ages 21 and up, focuses on relationships, dating and personal safety.

Programs are co-ed, small group and held in-person, meeting once a month for three months. Parents and caregivers receive practical strategies and tools virtually during the program. There is also a young adult social group for people ages 18 and up with scheduled monthly outings that have included bowling, hiking, karaoke, arts and crafts and indoor rock climbing.

The role of both programs, according to Lucia Serio, education consultant and sexuality educator, is to build communication, vocabulary and understanding around relationships and dating, including navigating those situations safely. Participants get comprehensive sexuality education — from public and private expectations to rules and boundaries, to talking about reproduction choices, sexual health and safety.

Serio says, “Individuals with intellectual-development disabilities are also sexual beings, and sometimes just don’t have the opportunities because they haven’t been taught how they can safely achieve those. And the same with fulfilling romantic relationships.”

The Help Group

The Help Group offers two social club programs, Club L.A. and Vibe and Thrive, from its base in Sherman Oaks. The clubs are part of Advance L.A., a program to support young adults with autism, ADHD, learning difficulties and developmental delays in their transition to adulthood. Although the focus isn’t on dating, dates have resulted from the clubs’ social opportunities. Both Club L.A. and Vibe and Thrive are weekly, with three events a month.

Club L.A. is for adults ages 18-30 with higher needs — those who require more supervision and assistance. It provides social recreation in the evenings after day programs, school or work. Activities are driven by the interests of the people who participate, such as a talent or art show, movie nights, karaoke, arts and crafts and bingo nights.

Vibe and Thrive serves adults ages 18-29 with lower needs. The club’s emphasis is on building social relationships with the other participants and the community at large. Social outings have included trips to the Santa Monica Pier, Universal Studios and The Getty Center.

The goal is to have neurodivergent young adults take the skills they gain in an environment where they feel safe and accepted and put them into use in the real world. Heather Leiva, senior director of Adult Services, says, it’s “the one place you have where you can just unmask and be yourself, and everyone accepts you exactly as you are.”

Jennifer Gay Summers is an author, journalist, and mom with a forthcoming memoir, “Chasing Lee: A Memoir of Raising a Neurodivergent Child.” Find her at jennifergaysummers.com