As a mom of two kids and a licensed therapist specializing in play therapy with children, I often get asked what the secret is to getting children to behave. It takes nurturing and patience, but there is also a secret ingredient that doesn’t come naturally to a lot of parents: play.

Through play, children learn to communicate with others, develop critical problem-solving skills, regulate their emotions, express their feelings and even modify their behavior. Most parents don’t think of playing when their child is acting out. In fact, many parents think the exact opposite. But play-based parenting is a practical, modern and unique method that works, even in the midst of meltdowns!

Play-based parenting is about shifting your perspective on what play is and how it can work in your favor. It’s about the lens you see parenting through and how you approach your children through your unique parenting style. Play-based parenting is understanding that children will respond better when you speak their language.

Being a play-based parent takes a lot of child-like thinking. Children don’t think like parents. And parents often forget how to think like a child. Many times, when a child is dysregulated or overstimulated, they may not respond to talking to a parent, which is why play is so valuable for shifting behavior. What if I told you that you could minimize and even eliminate your child’s problematic behaviors with a few moderately quick and easy changes? Do you want to get rid of power struggles, decrease the number of tantrums and get your child to do their chores without defiance or complaint?

You can make that happen!

Open your mind — even in tough times

To become a successful play-based parent, start with an open mindset. This will allow you to try new techniques and interventions instead of automatically parenting in the way you may have been trained to parent. For example, if you were taught that the lines between children and adult activities are thick, try slowly erasing that line.

One way to do this is to tap into your creativity and imagination. Release your inhibitions and connect with your child-like self. What did you like to play with when you were a kid? And how did you play? Talk to your children about your childhood play style and reenact moments with them. Observe your children playing to help reignite your abilities to be more spontaneous and think outside the box.

Having a playful approach to parenting is critical even when you are stretched thin. Trust me, I know what it’s like to be a stressed, overwhelmed and flustered parent. Parenting is hard work! But when I am calm, my mind is open to thinking up all sorts of playful ideas to help solve the problem at hand.

One day when my son was younger, he was playing with some of his friends at a park and didn’t want to leave. Asking him to leave wasn’t working. Telling him that we had to leave wasn’t working. I felt desperate, so I bribed him with a treat, but when even that failed, I resorted to punishment, threatening to take away his video games if he didn’t comply. That didn’t work either. I even tried to physically pick him up, but he yelled and kicked his legs. The power struggle was real. Eventually, I decided to use a preferred play activity instead.

“All aboard! The train is leaving in one minute!” I yelled. He turned around almost immediately and said, “OK!” He didn’t get up to follow me, but I could tell I had his attention. I walked over to our car, started the ignition, put the window down and yelled again, “All aboard! The train is leaving now!” My son said goodbye to his friends and hopped in the car with no apprehension. We never had a problem leaving when I said it was time to go ever again.

Your turn

Let’s imagine for a moment that you are in a power struggle with your child. They are being defiant, and you are starting to feel angry, resentful and disrespected. If nothing else seems to be working, use play as a communication and behavior tool, not as a reward. Let me show you how to flip the script.

For years, I struggled with trying to get my children to clean their items that were strewn up and down the stairs. I tried writing notes and taping them on the stairway, putting the misplaced items in baskets with their names on them, bribing them and even disciplining them. Nothing worked.

I finally put my play-based parenting hat on and came up with a unique solution. I asked my children to stand at the bottom of the stairs while I went to the top, then asked them to throw me the misplaced items. We would do this until the stairs were clean. Like my kids, in such playful moments, your child will giggle and have fun and won’t even realize they are cleaning. You aren’t duping them; you are simply speaking a language they comprehend — and you are cultivating a shift in how they get tasks done.

When it comes to cleaning toys wherever they happen to be in the house, ask yourself: “How can I turn this situation into a playful one?” Maybe you get a toy dump truck and ask your child to put all the toys inside and deliver them to the toy box before the toy factory closes for the day. Or, you can challenge them to pick up and put their toys away while pretending they are a frog or bunny, hopping on one foot instead of two, just to make the job a little more fun. Another option: Try challenging them to play “Freeze Clean.” Put on some music and have your child clean while the music is on and then have them freeze when you turn the music off. They will have so much fun, they will forget they are cleaning and get the job done quickly.

When a new client tells me their child is misbehaving, one of the first questions I ask is, “How often do you spend one-on-one time with your child in a playful way?” More often than not, the parent doesn’t spend much dedicated time with their child, and play isn’t part of the equation. And almost every time we shift this, the child’s negative behaviors decrease, the parent-child bond deepens, the parent is less stressed and the level of positivity and peace increases in the home.

So, even if you only have five minutes a day, I suggest spending some dedicated time with your child and finding ways to be more playful together. I know we are all busy and tired, but just keep showing up. Make it a daily habit to walk to the park and play together or cook dinner together once a week, cutting fun shapes out of the food you make. Before you know it, playing together will become a habit you won’t want to break.

A few ways to play

I know we’re all exhausted and overwhelmed on a daily basis, but did you know there are ways you can play with your child that don’t take much energy at all?

If your child is a toddler or preschooler, ask them to put on a show for you. Toddlers love to perform, sing and dance. As they perform for you, you get to sit down and be present enough to watch, but not have to actively play with them. Playing with your child doesn’t always mean you have to play with them on the floor. Engaging with laughter, clapping or even singing along will delight them. Watching toddlers play and being in the same room is good enough on those long, exhausting days.

If your child is elementary age, have them role play with you. Children at this age love to use their imagination. My daughter loves pretending she works at a spa and that I am her client. She has me lie down on a lawn chair or on the couch with a pillow and blanket and directs me to close my eyes. Then, she proceeds to paint my nails, brush my hair and read books to me. I am an active participant by playing with her, but I get to relax, close my eyes and get pampered, which takes little to no energy. In fact, I sometimes get some energy back because I get a moment of rest, which is a good thing because sometimes she asks me to take a turn and pamper her, too.

Kim Van Dusen, Psy.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist and a registered play therapist. She is founder of The Parentologist and a parenting team contributor to NBC’s “Today” show.

Foster Bonding through Toys and Games

By Elena Epstein

One of my favorite aspects of working with the National Parenting Product Awards (NAPPA Awards) is having a close-up view of how kids and parents interact with toys and games. We see the magic happening when a product goes beyond simply being a play object to becoming a beloved source of creativity, laughter and connection between child and parent.

We evaluate hundreds of products each year, and what we hear most from families is the unexpected joy they discovered while playing with their child through the evaluation process. Having discovered engaging and hilarious board games, for example, have inspired many families on the NAPPA Awards team to begin their own family game night tradition.

One mom who spent a couple of hours building an intricate marble run with her son shared with me how much she loved the teamwork that went into putting the tracks together. This wasn’t an activity she would naturally gravitate toward, yet working alongside her son and sharing in his excitement turned out to be the best part of this new toy.

Another family discovered a park near them with designated airspace for model planes while testing a stunt plane for the awards program. “My husband and 9-year.old went back and forth taking turns,” the mom said. “I’m not sure who enjoyed it more to be honest. We are planning on going again this weekend to further enjoy it.”

The best advice I have for parents when purchasing toys is this: Get in on the fun! Both you and your kids will treasure the memories you create. NAPPA Awards has been celebrating the best in kids, baby and family products for 34 years. For more toy and game inspirations, visit nappaawards.com