When my middle daughter, Ellie, came to me with tears in her eyes and told me she felt left out, my heart sank. As parents, we hope to anticipate our children’s needs, but sometimes it takes a moment of honesty from them to see what we’ve missed. For Ellie, being the middle child often meant feeling invisible — overshadowed by her older sister’s “firsts” and her younger sister’s constant needs.
That moment was a turning point for me. Instead of brushing off her feelings, I sat with her and listened. I reassured her that her voice mattered, her presence was valued and that she wasn’t “stuck in the middle” — she was at the very heart of our family. To help her see it, I started pointing out that some of the best, most wonderful things in life are found in the middle.
Think about it: the creamy filling in an Oreo, the gooey peanut butter and jelly sandwiched between slices of bread, the bridge that connects one place to another or the warm sunshine that fills the center of the day. Without the middle, these things wouldn’t be nearly as special. Ellie began to smile when I made these comparisons. Slowly, she started to understand that being “in the middle” could be a gift, not a burden.
Why Middle Children Struggle
Birth order doesn’t define everything, but it does play a role in shaping a child’s experience. The oldest often sets the pace, celebrated for milestones like first steps, first report cards and first graduations. The youngest draws attention as the “baby” of the family, often doted on for longer. The middle child, squeezed between the two, may feel overlooked.
Experts have long studied what’s called “middle-child syndrome.” While the term can be oversimplified, many middle children do report feelings of being less seen, less heard or less celebrated than their siblings. Stephanie Marcy, Ph.D., A.B.P.P., a clinical psychologist at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, notes that while it isn’t a diagnosis, the concept can feel very real for kids.
“It’s often a self-fulfilling prophecy,” she explains. “A child might hear, ‘Oh, this is your middle child,’ or stumble upon something on social media that resonates with them. Then the seed is planted, and they may become hypervigilant in looking for signs of being treated differently.”
Marcy adds that middle children may also feel overlooked because their birth order isn’t as clearly defined.
“They aren’t the ‘first born’ and they aren’t the ‘baby,’” she says. “So, they may internalize the feeling that they aren’t ‘special.’”
How Parents Can Help Middles Shine
If you’re raising a middle child, you don’t need to wait for them to tell you they feel left out. With small, intentional steps, you can help them feel cherished every day.
Watch for signs.
Marcy suggests that parents stay alert to changes in behavior. “Look for jealousy, negative attention-seeking, competitiveness with siblings, frequent tattling or even physical complaints like stomachaches or headaches,” she says. “Sometimes kids use these to get attention, whether or not the symptoms are real.”
Encourage their strengths.
Research shows that middle children often grow into empathetic, adaptable, and independent adults—precisely because of the challenges they navigate.
“Middle children may work harder to distinguish themselves in sports, academics or creative pursuits,” Marcy says. “They may become more independent, better problem-solvers and sometimes more social because they look outside the family for reinforcement.”
Practical tips. Here are strategies that worked for our family:
- Listen with focus. Pause and really hear them when they share their feelings.
- Create one-on-one time. Even a short walk, an errand or grabbing a snack together shows they’re a priority.
- Give them leadership roles. Let them choose the movie or plan a family dinner for a confidence boost.
- Celebrate uniqueness. Encourage passions that are theirs alone, not comparisons to siblings.
- Mark their milestones. Snap photos, display their work and cheer for their wins.
- Highlight the “middle magic.” Remind them that the middle isn’t second best — it’s often the best part.
A New Perspective
Since that day Ellie told me she felt left out, I’ve worked harder to make sure she feels celebrated for who she is. The change hasn’t been about grand gestures but about shifting the lens through which we see her place in the family.
Middle children are not destined to be overlooked. They can be leaders, connectors and the heart of a family. And when we, as parents, acknowledge their unique place and lift them up, they thrive.
The truth is, being in the middle is pretty special. It’s the sweet spot in a cookie, the warmth in a hug, the bridge that keeps us connected. Ellie has taught me that when we stop to see the beauty in the middle, we discover it’s not about being lost in between — it’s about being right where the magic happens.
Lori Orlinsky is an award-winning, best-selling children’s author and mother of three girls, including a middle child who inspired her latest nationally recognized book, “Being Middle.” Drawing on both her personal experiences and professional expertise as a writer, Orlinsky offers a unique perspective on the joys and challenges of life in the middle.
