We’ve all heard the analogies: Captain of the Ship, Alpha Wolf, Airplane Pilot, Eye of the Storm, Leader of the Pack.

It is, without a doubt, the hardest part of parenting. How do you stay calm WHEN YOU ARE NOT CALM?

We are the energetic leaders for our children. We cannot help them create the skill of settling their nervous systems if we cannot manage our own. Once again, it starts with us, parenting ourselves, growing up into the adults we were born to be. Isn’t this the best kept secret about parenthood? The real work isn’t even with the kids; it’s with ourselves.

So, what do we do? When our kid is flailing and screaming on the floor of the grocery store, when the assaulting noise of the indoor play space is making us seriously consider abandoning our child for an hour, when the hours of incessant whining is making you question if a glass of wine at 3 p.m. is too early.

Regulate your nervous system

Here are five things you can do (that will not draw attention in public) to help your nervous system go from fight/flight/freeze mode back into a parasympathetic state where you can choose your words and actions from a steady state of mind and body:

1. Pretend you have heartburn. (I’m serious, stay with me). Close your eyes, and use your thumb and middle fingers to rub yourself just below your collar bones. Linger in the tender spots. Feel the deep pressure of your fingers, and think the words, “It’s ok. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”
2. Cross your arms across your torso. Using your hands, gently tap your ribs alternating sides. Feel your breath push your belly into your arms as you breathe in, and release as you breathe out. Take 5-10 breaths like this, tapping the whole time.
3. Stomp your feet a little. You can pretend that your feet have fallen asleep if you need to. Feel the impact of the ground into the bones of your feet and legs. If you feel comfortable, make fists with your hands and gently hit your legs with your fists, going up and down your legs. Focus on the feeling of this pressure.
4. Starting with your shoulders and going down your body piece by piece, tighten your muscles as much as you can for 5 seconds, and release. Take a few breaths and move to the next section of your body. Make sure you keep breathing, even while you hold.
5. Hold one hand out in front of you at any height. With the other hand, trace up the outside of your pinky finger while you breathe in, letting your ribs and belly expand, exhale as you trace down the other side of the pinky finger. Inhale while you trace up your ring finger, exhale as you trace inside that finger. Continue until you have traced all five fingers. Repeat on the other hand if that feels good.

Time to check in

After you have done one, some, or all of these, check in with yourself. Note how you feel different. Note how this feels in your body to help your brain remember and to build the neuropathways to access this feeling in the future. The more you practice, the easier it becomes.

Can’t do this on your own? That’s okay. You can do this with your child. Even if they do not want to participate with you, you will be amazed by the change in their behavior as you find your own sense of grounding. It’s like magic.

From here, you can see the other options you could not see before. Now, you have the bandwidth to say, “Oh, I know you are so disappointed that we cannot buy the Fruity Pebbles! That is so frustrating! When you’re ready to get up, we can go pick out a yummy piece of fruit and you can scan it at the check-out machine. I’ll just be at the end of the aisle until you’re ready,” or “Wow, it is really noisy in here! Mommy is going to put in these ear pods, but I’ll be sitting right here if you need me. We have 10 more minutes to play and then we’re going to go,” or “Hm, I think I’ll feel awful by dinner time if I have a glass of wine right now. I’m going to put on my sneakers and we’re going to go for a nice long walk outside.”

The best thing about this is that not only are you caring for yourself and your own well-being, you are also teaching your child how to care for themselves in a profound and powerful way. There is no better gift.

Suzanne Jamieson is an award-winning singer/songwriter, children’s musicians, yoga therapist, writer and mother of two in Los Angeles. Her new album, “Love Is…,” recently won NAPPA Awards and is available now on all streaming platforms. Her newsletter, Suzy Breaks It Down, and her music is available at suzannejamiesonsings.com.