social skills Archives

Staying Social

Published March 24, 2021

By Laurie Stephens, Ph.D., and Jamie Barstein, Ph.D.

Everyone is feeling the effects of COVID-19 and the stay-at-home orders that have now been in place for a year. For most of us, our main sources of socialization have been shut down – schools, work places, public gatherings. Many parents and children report feeling report an increase in anxiety and sadness that may present as an increase in self-isolation and/or acting out behaviors.

Many parents worry that their children have lost opportunities to develop their social skills or regressed in areas of social development, particularly children with developmental disabilities such as autism spectrum disorder (ASD). This article is intended to address some ways in which you can monitor your child’s social skills and learn practical tips to maintain social skills development in the era of COVID-19.

Assessing your child’s motivation for interaction

When monitoring your child’s social development during this pandemic, it is important to not only think about observed social behaviors or skills, but whether motivation for interaction has been sustained. Has your child figured out new and unique ways to connect with peers or other family members, such as Zoom and FaceTime, or started participating in interest chat rooms?

If they are responding to interactions that either you set up for them or they (depending on their age) set up for themselves, their social motivation has been maintained and should generalize back to in-person events when it is safe. If you see that your child is seeking out siblings for interaction or seeking out time with you, they have likely maintained social motivation.

However, if your child has become more withdrawn and shied away from online social events and family gatherings, that’s a red flag that they may be experiencing increased anxiety and/or depression. Addressing these needs through a change in routine at home will be helpful. It is also important to remember that even in this virtual world, therapy is always an option to help your child.

Dissecting the term

When thinking about the term “social skills,” remember that it encompasses a variety of different skills – it’s not just taking part in conversations, making friends or having frequent playdates. Social skills are best defined as everything a person needs to maximize their potential, outside of their academic or intellectual abilities. Social skills are also ever evolving. A socially competent person uses skills (facial expressions, gestures) needed to effectively communicate and understands the need to change or modify their behavior based on feedback.

A socially competent person also understands that they may have different thoughts, opinions and perspectives than other people do. Included within social competency are skills such as emotional regulation, flexibility in thinking, theory of mind (“social thinking”), empathy, problem-solving, independent living skills and executive functioning or organizational skills.

Thus, when we look at the broader concept of social skills, it’s clear that the home environment is filled with opportunities to promote social development. That is, while peer-to-peer interactions are important, they are not the sole way for social skills to develop or improve. In fact, it’s likely that many children have actually gained important social skills in this pandemic, particularly around emotion management — such as adapting to change or managing disappointment.

We have also had to learn how to be flexible and problem-solve when things don’t go as planned. Keep these moments in mind and try to point them out as they are happening.

We have identified several opportunities for continued practice within the home environment:

Focus on responsibility and independent living or practical skills. For example:
- Practice preparing simple meals, ordering food or learning one’s address and phone number.
- Work together as a family on a project such as cleaning out the garage, completing a jigsaw puzzle or repainting a bedroom.
- Remember that in doing these tasks, you are also addressing flexibility, compromise, negotiation and teamwork – all necessary social skills!
You can also focus on social-emotional skills, such as recognizing and coping with various feelings. For example:
- Have dinner time conversations about what made everyone happy/sad/hopeful/grateful each day.
- Practice yoga, mindfulness or journaling together.
- Model your feelings and share your own coping strategies for your children. It helps for them to know that you are experiencing some of the same feelings of isolation, anxiety or sadness and to learn how you (or an older sibling) are dealing with it.
- Join your children in screen-time activities and talk about the emotions being displayed by various characters. Have them predict what they think characters may do, or reflect on what made characters react differently to the same situation. Point out positive social skills and unexpected social responses.

Putting rusty skills into practice

It’s important to keep in mind that the current focus is on physical distancing, not social distancing. We encourage you to find ways to have your children engage safely with others.

Find times for virtual hangouts, drive by a friend’s house to wave, schedule an outdoor playdate in which both kids have the same set of materials and are building or creating something simultaneously. Some children may also benefit from a virtual social skills group or extracurricular activity via zoom, such as those offered by The Help Group’s Kids Like Me program.

This has been a stressful and unprecedented time for all of us, but our children have now lived through a moment in history that is unlike any in the modern era. While some children may not have appeared to have made social progress in the ways we expected, they are likely still on even-footing with their peers, who have also been on “Zoom school” and staying at home.

This is a global pandemic and you are not alone. The majority of children have missed similar opportunities for social engagement in the past year, and it’s our expectation that school personnel will bear this in mind when assisting children with adjusting to their new normal.

Plus, our children are highly resilient and while it may feel like they have plateaued or regressed in some areas, they likely have made progress in others.

There finally appears to be a light at the end of this tunnel, and we are hopeful that children will return to school having gained in social understanding, empathy, flexibility and social thinking rather than having lost major ground.

Dr. Laurie Stephens, a developmental psychologist, has worked with children on the autism spectrum for more than 25 years. She is The Help Group’s Senior Director of Autism Programs. Dr. Jamie Barstein, a clinical psychologist with The Help Group, specializes in assessment and treatment of individuals with neurodevelopmental disabilities such as ASD. She assists with development and implementation of clinical programming through The Help Group’s Kids Like Me and the Kaleidoscope program that supports LGBTQ+ youth and young adults.

Social Foundations Helps Special-Needs Kids Build Skills

Published April 28, 2014

Built on Michelle Winner’s ‘Social Thinking’ concept, the mom-run Santa Monica business touts social awareness.

by Elena Epstein

Moms Suzanne Tabachnick and Kelly Priest met seven years ago in an early-intervention program for children on the autism spectrum. They had an instant connection.

Priest has a Master’s degree in clinical psychology and several years of experience working with families. She attended conferences on “Social Thinking,” a concept pioneered by speech language pathologist Michelle Winner, and shared her interest in the approach with Tabachnick, who then completed mentorship and clinical internship training with Winner at the Center for Social Thinking in San Jose.

“Kelly and I kept talking about all these ideas we had and we realized that together we could do so much more,” recalls Tabachnick. They launched Social Foundations in 2006 in a small space in Culver City, which they outgrew in the first five months. They outgrew their second office in Santa Monica eight months later.

Now operating from locations in Santa Monica and Sherman Oaks, Tabachnick and Priest – along with three therapists and one assistant – have a growing practice focused on providing kids with practical tools to better understand social cues, interact in groups and develop friendships. Some of their students are on the autism spectrum, others have learning differences and some have no specific diagnosis, but face many social challenges.

“Social learning is about building insight and awareness of yourself and of others around you,” says Priest. “A lot of the kids we see are not even aware that their behavior is affecting other people’s feelings.”

Through interactive play and group projects the students begin to better understand collaboration and consideration for others’ perspectives. By using specific words and phrases such as “because” or “let’s try this” to explain their thinking and actions, they become better advocates for themselves.

Priest and Tabachnick get great satisfaction when their students receive an invitation to a party or a sleepover. “It’s so rewarding when parents tell us their kids are finally making real friends,” says Priest.

“Our goal is for our students to have typical childhood experiences … go on camping trips, be in a play, join a sports team,” adds Tabachnick.

Elena Epstein is L.A. Parent’s Director of Content.

Helping Your Special-Needs Child Build Meaningful Friendships

Published April 28, 2014

These seven keys will help you pinpoint the ways in which your child is social, and use them to create rewarding relationships.

by Elaine Hall

“Hey guys! I had fun! See you next week,” calls 12-year-old Jackson as he climbs into his mom’s SUV. “Mom, I had a great time and I think I made some friends,” he beams. This was Jackson’s first day in our theater class and, as his mom later told us, this was the first time Jackson had ever made a friend.

There is a myth that children with autism, learning disabilities and other social/emotional challenges prefer to be alone. I have found the exact opposite to be true. The same children who may kick, isolate themselves, scream or even bite during their regular school day come to our classes and hug, hold hands and laugh. They express their desire for friendship and gratitude to their parents, and are very supportive of each other.

How can we help support positive social interaction and foster meaningful friendships in children of all ages?

1. Be open to a different way of relating. Children with social/emotional difficulties, like all children, crave friendship and have empathy. They might just express themselves differently. I’ve seen this firsthand with my own son. If he likes one of our volunteers, he might smell her, or touch her gently on her shoulder. If he feels the least bit judged by another, even if she doesn’t outwardly express it, he might walk away (or when he was younger, throw the nearest available object).

In her progressive book, Autism Solutions, How to Create a Healthy and Meaningful Life for Your Child (Harlequin, 2011, www.drrickirobinson.com) Ricki Robinson. M.D., writes, “Because children with ASD (or sensory processing or learning challenges) have difficulty with sensory processing and motor output, their inability to respond or emote the same way as we do doesn’t necessarily mean they lack empathy …. A child with ASD is not detached from life – quite the opposite – he craves everything that life has to offer. It is his sensory processing, motor systems, and rhythm and timing issues that seem to derail him from attaining his goal.”

Stay open to all of the ways that your child is social, even if those ways look different from what you see in other children his or her age. If your child is older and still feels more comfortable with parallel play, don’t judge this. Find another child who also prefers quieter environments and enjoys doing independent activities alongside of another child. Being together side-by-side builds trust, companionship and, eventually, with guidance and support, interaction. Share a meal together with another child and their family. Again, you are building on positive emotional experiences.

2. Build friendships around your child’s interests. Where does your child excel? Some people call them “obsessions,” but I like to say, “preferred interests.” Find others who like to do similar activities. So often our kids are in therapy working on deficits. Therapy is essential, but it is just as important to see where your child does well and build this into a social context. My son loves to walk and hike, so we foster his friendships with others who also enjoy the outdoors. Find classes that explore your child’s preferred interests, and environments where he can share his passions with other children. If your child is very active, sports and recreation classes are great. Special Olympics (www.specialolympics.org) provides organized athletic programs for children with developmental disabilities. There is a great chance that your child will meet like-minded friends there. Children and teens in The Miracle Project (www.themiracleproject.org) theater program love acting, music, and dancing. Many of our students, once isolated and alone, are now joined by others who enjoy the arts. If your child has a proclivity toward trains, a trip to the Allied Model Trains Store (www.alliedmodeltrains.com) in Culver City might help you find others with common interests.

3. Be aware of your child’s sensory system. Don’t try to overload them with too much stimulus. My son was once paired with a typically developing buddy at lunchtime during school. The lunchroom was loud, with too many students in it for him to focus on the friend. The organizer of the buddy program told us that he could not participate in the program because he didn’t want to go into the lunchroom with the buddy. I suggested that they keep their “lunch date,” but perhaps eat outside at a bench, or in a quiet room. When they did, they developed a lovely friendship. Find peaceful and quiet places to foster friendships. If your child enjoys animals, try programs such as Danny’s Farm (www.dannysfarm.org), started by former Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Jim Gott, and his wife, Cathy, in honor of their son Danny, who was diagnosed with autism and has an interest in farm animals. Danny’s Farm provides a safe, peaceful environment and programming for children with developmental disabilities. In this calm environment, friendships can be nurtured with other children who have an affinity toward animals.

4. Bring your child’s peers from school into your home. Let them get to know your child in an atmosphere where your child is comfortable. Teach these other children to understand your child’s challenges, and let them know about your child’s interests. You might be pleasantly surprised at how many peers without disabilities would love to know more about your child. My son, now 19, remains friends with our neighbors’ children, who joined him in his playroom when he was just 3. Programs such as The Friendship Circle (www.friendshipcircle.com) bring together teenage volunteers and children with disabilities for hours of fun and friendship. These shared experiences empower the children while enriching the lives of everyone involved.

5. Enlist peer role models during school time. Recess can be particularly taxing for children with sensory challenges and motor-planning difficulties. Motor processing and regulation is the ability to understand and process body movements. Sometimes, trying to navigate the many unspoken rules and requirements for even a seemingly simple game such as Dodgeball can be too much for a child who has motor-planning challenges. Your child might walk the periphery of the playground instead of participating in the games. Ask your child’s teacher to assign one of the most athletic and popular kids to be your child’s recess “buddy” and break the steps in a game into small, attainable goals. You might be surprised at how much this peer gains from being able to share his expertise with your child.

6. Model, read about, and practice what it means to be friendly and interested in others. Not all children pick up on the social rules of play. You might need to discuss rules with your child, and help your child understand the information that most people know without being taught. The Hidden Curriculum for Kids app or book , designed for individuals with learning disabilities, autism spectrum disorders, and those who have challenges might help your child in picking up information from their environment.

7. Celebrate and point out when your child is being a good friend: “That was so nice of you to share your markers with your friend, Caroline.” “I loved how you said goodbye to each of your friends before we left the zoo.” Remind your child that part of being a good friend is showing interest in their friend and celebrating their specialness.

In the words of C. S. Lewis, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

Elaine Hall is a thought leader; motivational speaker; inclusion activist; founder of The Miracle Project, profiled in the HBO film, Autism: The Musical; author of Now I See the Moon (HarperCollins) and 7 Keys to Unlock Autism (Wiley); and creator of an arts enrichment and religious education program at Vista Del Mar Child and Family Services.