Melissa had been through three interviews for a job she really wanted. Despite making it this far, she felt insecure about being chosen, especially since the other two applicants had more education and experience.
As she shared her worries with her husband, she expressed a sense of desperation: “Why does it always feel harder for me? What’s wrong with me? I know I’m capable, but I still doubt myself and believe the others I am competing with have some secret sauce that I’m missing because I don’t have a graduate degree.”
Although her husband reassured her, the feeling of inadequacy sat tied like a knot in her gut. What Melissa didn’t realize was that her 13-year-old daughter, Sophia, was listening.
Sophia could relate.
She was running for student body president, and while she knew she could handle the role, another girl was running — one who was far more popular and who Sophia felt was good at everything she tried to do.
No matter how often her parents reminded her of how competent she was, Sophia didn’t feel she measured up. She realized that, just like her mom, you can appear competent but still lack confidence on the inside.
Insecurity in children doesn’t just appear out of thin air.
It’s often a reflection of the insecurities they observe and absorb from their parents and the world around them. Think about it — when a parent constantly doubts their decisions or speaks negatively about themselves, children pick up on these cues. They start to mirror these attitudes, thinking it’s the “normal” way to behave.
Reassurances didn’t seem to make a difference for either Melissa or Sophia.
Melissa was unaware of the unconscious impression she was leaving on her daughter. She felt she made a point of positively cheering her on, so her daughter wouldn’t feel the limitations she had faced her entire life. It’s a great idea, but in reality, it’s empty words coming from her own state of lack.
Every time Melissa spoke poorly of a family member, but then went out of her way to please them, Sophia observed this and internalized the belief that sometimes, you have to do things against yourself — even when it feels wrong — because it’s the “right” thing to do. Sophia noticed that if there was a chance of being rejected by someone, she rushed to please them, just like her mom.
The connection between parent and child, and the lack of awareness many parents have, isn’t about taking a class in confidence.
Become aware of mixed messages
The first step for any parent is recognizing that perfection isn’t the goal. Without realizing it, we often project the expectation of perfection onto our children. Kids want to “do the right thing,” and by modeling certain behaviors — consciously or unconsciously — we create patterns that our children follow.
Children are deeply tuned into their parents’ insecurities, often more than parents realize.
Many parents, feeling insecure in their own roles, may not be aware of how their behavior and self-doubt impact their children. Often, our insecurities become fears about our children experiencing the same disappointments we faced in the past. We fear their failure, believing they are too fragile to handle it, instead of recognizing that failure and disappointment build resilience.
In the case of unconscious insecurities we pass on, our children build their sense of self through the lens we provide, as described by Social Learning Theory.
So when Melissa thinks, “Oh, Sophia loves to play sports and is competitive just like I was,” the question becomes, “Is Sophia happy and feeling intrinsically connected to how she sees herself and expectations that feel good? Or is she acting from a place of insecurity and a feeling of not being enough, just like me?”
Parenting tips
- Own your words, actions, feelings and thoughts. It means seeing yourself and understanding why you do, say, think and feel the way you do — and sharing it. Just be honest. “Ya know, Sophia, I used to worry so much about not being good enough. I would try to make everyone like me and accept me. I realize I still do it, and I am working on being more aware of when I do it so I can ask myself, ‘What is my motivation?’”
- Examine your expectations. What expectations do you feel you have to live up to and could be passing on to your child? Get to know where they came from and whether they are about making you feel worthy or helping your child feel worthy. Could these expectations be dropped? Since the goal is “you are worthy because you breathe,” letting go of these expectations won’t make your child lazy; it will help them define their own goals without worrying about disappointing you.
These tips are just a starting point and are meant to help ease the insecure feelings you may have as a parent. By approaching what you do and how you see yourself through a more compassionate lens, you create a healthier environment for both you and your child. No one benefits from holding themselves to unrealistic expectations based on a sense of lack.
Tracy Crossley, M.A., is an author, trainer and behavior expert. For more information on how you can help your teen, visit growtrinsic.com.
